Speech by Ian Inglis

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Ian Inglis
Speech Date: mar 2004
(Introduction)
Distinguished guests, (guests of no particular distinction), relatives (young and old), friends, colleagues, free-loaders, hangers on, brother & sister curlers and………"naebodies" WELCOME to our wedding reception.
In the course of my preparations for today I read somewhere that a successful speech has both a good beginning and a good ending but that a truly great speech is one that keeps both of these very close together. —WELL NO SUCH LUCK!
I do have one or two things I'd like to say and it is my job as groom to thank so many people that you might think you've walked into an Oscar ceremony by mistake—-so, please relax and bear with me for a few minutes.
Loosen your clothing if it helps – but don't start trying to loosen anybody else's – I'm afraid it's not that kind of party.
It's times like these when I really wish I had listened to what my Mother used to tell me. I can't call on the benefit of that advice now though as unfortunately,………I wasn't listening. (Thank You – Guests) Its taken a few years now —but I finally get to say.…

On behalf of my WIFE and I—
We would first like to thank you all for coming to share in our special
day— especially those of you who have had to travel a long way to get here. It's great to think that you consider us worth the journey —and it's lovely to see some faces here that we've not seen in way too many years. We're glad you can share this wonderful setting — xxx Hotel is a particular favourite of ours and I am sure you will agree the hotel staff have provided a truly sumptuous meal. Thank you all very much for your many cards and for all your wonderful gifts, (including some big cheques) —-they are all very much appreciated.

It is at this time I must say a few words of SINCERE THANKS to our families both in terms of their financial support for today's extravaganza and for the time and effort which they have individually contributed to make this day extra special and a lasting memory for all concerned.

Thank you (To my in-laws)

(Thank you (Brother of the bride))

xxx…….Thank you so much for enduring the trip all the way from New Zealand –to give xxx away. xxx and I are very pleased you could make it and I'd like to think that your father would be proud to have you stand-in for him on his Daughter's special day. When I first started to meet members of xxx's family a few years ago…as xxx will tell you …I was more nervous about meeting you than anyone else in the family …I needed your acceptance you see…I needed to know that you thought it was okay for your ‘big sis’ to shack-up with some "old-geet" like me!

I'm happy to say you and all of the rest of your family have made me feel very welcome…and I'm pleased you and I get on so well -despite the obvious
generation gap -and the fact that I'm so much better looking than you!

We regret that your wife xxx could not be here today but we are thinking of her & know that her thoughts will be with us. We are especially pleased that we are soon to become Auntie xxx and Uncle xxx early next year and …..who knows you may even get a chance to be "Father of the Bride" all over again in another 20 or 30 years time!!

(Thank you Mother of the bride)

I was slightly worried to hear that on the way into the church today one of the ushers asked xxx whether she was a friend of the groom and she allegedly
replied——— "Certainly not young man – I'm the brides mother!"

xxx, (I can't bring myself to call you "Mum" and I doubt you'd thank me for it anyway!) –Your sparkling personality has been an inspiration to all around you. I consider our friendship very special —and if you ever need any more little jobs doing around the house—–xxx's yer man!!

xxx and I were both very pleased when you and xxx were married in May this year and I hope you will enjoy being MOB today almost as much as you clearly enjoyed being the bride on that day.
—and I do remember you saying something about being delighted someone was taking xxx of your hands!

But, I must say – isn't it funny how history repeats itself ——– 30-something years ago you were putting xxx to bed with a dummy – and now it's happening all over again!

They say- "you don't marry someone you can live with – you marry the person whom you cannot live without".
You've done a grand job raising xxx. You've not just brought up and nurtured a wonderful intelligent woman, but you've also provided me with my best friend… the person whom I cannot live without…… thank you.

You have my word that from this point on, I'll do my level best to make sure that she looks after me properly. By the way xxx, I've not forgotten. I will sign the receipt you gave me. <Pull a bit of paper from Jacket> xxx has written out a receipt for me. It says:

Received
one daughter in perfect condition,
fully guaranteed, fully warranted.
Comes complete with all extras.
Keep topped up with good food,
lubricate well with fine wines.
Service regularly…

Sorry – that's–
service regularly with expensive jewellery, and lavish trips
to exotic far away places
Warning: has a tendency to get irritable if
doesn't have the final say on EVERYTHING.
Care notes: gets bored easily, keep busy with a constant
supply of chores…..No problem!

Not to be outdone though my Mum has written out a receipt for xxx. <Pull another bit of paper from Jacket> It reads:

Received one son, sold as seen, no refunds under any
circumstances.
We've redecorated his room, changed the locks and our phone
number is ex-directory, —–so now you're stuck with him.
Warning: the slight discolouration is dirt, which may come
off with vigorous scrubbing but be warned its been there a long time.
Care notes: de-hydrates easily, top up regularly with plenty
of Gin & Tonic

(Thank you Grandad (Minister))

Thank you for agreeing to marry us. It meant a great deal to both of us to have you conduct our marriage ceremony today.

(Thank you Granny )

Granny you once told me "We always knew xxx would end up with someone like you" —I really hope that was a compliment -perhaps you had set your
heights higher -or am I just being paranoid?

The more observant among you will have noticed that all our Wedding Stationery from the Invitations to Orders of Service to Menus etc are all matching and colour coordinated –
While xxx, xxx, and I have all been involved it was Granny who painstakingly produced the numerous little golden metal hearts to adorn the fronts of the cards and then assisted by xxx's mum xxx, they assembled the various combinations of card, cloth, ribbon and inserts ready for today.
(My little printer has been red-hot keeping up with the demand).

Our sincere thanks to all for assembling the stationery, particularly Granny, for her patience and & for her advice with all of the other decorations.

(Thank you Mum & Dad)

It was only recently my Mum & Dad celebrated their Golden Wedding Anniversary. My Dad was just saying to me he remembers that day as tough it was —-50 years ago.!!
Just think, if WE make it that far I'll be 101, and xxx?.… Well, she'll be getting on a bit too.

I've tried to be like my father -as many of you know,–a man of few words)—and let's face it guys—isn't that what every woman wants?—–

If you found yourself on "Who wants to be a millionaire"——my Dad is the guy you would want as your "phone a friend". His general knowledge is superb and his concise phrases are always a true and clear statement of fact —and as for his looks —well actually I've turned out more like my mum!!

Mum would be the first to admit that she is not so concise— when I lived at home I remember my Dad and I found it quite difficult to communicate until Mum came home from work and then we had no problem at all!! Nowadays with our busy lifestyles time just flies by so quickly, but we still try to communicate regularly by telephone. –Recently I said to xxx "You know, I haven't spoken to my Mum on the ‘phone for nearly two weeks" —-well I did'nt want to interrupt her! —

I just want to say—

Thanks Mum & Dad for your support today & throughout my life, as you know only too well, I've always been there when I've needed something – and I'd like to reassure you that nothing that's happened today will have effected that in any way!!

(Thank you (my Bride))

And so I come to my blushing bride.…

As some of you may be aware there is an age gap between xxx and I…although as a gentleman I will not tell you exactly how much younger ———-I am!

xxx is extremely mature and I am well –extremely immature -we compliment each other perfectly.

xxx and I have many things in common, we like good food, fine wine, travelling to far off places or just the odd weekend break, the odd Saturday shopping in certain xxx Street shops usually followed by lunch in our favourite Italian Restaurant -xxx (where I popped the question)

Thanks to xxx's father who taught her a great deal about DIY when she was a teenager, she always feels the need to share in all those little jobs around the house that we men, (if we are honest), like to think ought to be left to us. In fact each time I need to drill a hole all I can see is the back of xxx's head! -It's all about sharing the experience-so she tells me.

We also both love Cars and share a passion for Motor-sport especially FORMULA 1.
So with that thought for inspiration I'd just like to describe my feelings today using some racing metaphor..…

xxx is like a Ferrari, a classy chassis, with a beautiful aerodynamic, smooth & curvaceous body, a great front spoiler and a throbbing V12 in the rear – I on the other hand am like a BMW/Williams with a superb mono-coque shell, big boots & plenty of Rear Wing…and I accept that I will usually qualify a close second to the Ferrari. In our PRACTICE SESSIONS xxx has definitely qualified in POLE POSITION.

Today – RACE DAY – we have both set our launch-control watched those red-lights overhead go on one by one as we've counted down to the big day —we've revved up our engines—and when those lights went out—-we dropped the clutch, planted the pedal to the metal, and launched into the first corner ————–this is a really exciting event.

After the first few laps our race strategy is obvious to everyone…while xxx is clearly on a ONE-STOP STRATEGY – I am on my second and final STOP. I've had a couple of PIT-STOPS along the way but now that I've had my visor cleaned, I can see clearly now —I've been shod with new Tyres – (slightly scrubbed and bald at the front and a spare one as well!) – I've now re-fuelled to take me to the finish and I'm raring to go.

At the end of this first race of the season, I found myself careering down the finishing straight right on xxx's gearbox (a pretty good position to be in)—-because as we men of the track all know —we need to be pulled along in their slip-stream — to get that all important tow -so just when they don't expect it we can pull out and overtake them! In today's race we've crossed the finishing line wheel to wheel millimetre perfect in a photo-finish, un-separable, to take joint first place on the podium.

xxx..…
I never dared imagine that I would end up marrying someone so intelligent, so witty, so popular, so gorgeous and so —what's that word Hon? .… I can't read your writing!!!

I was overwhelmed earlier today when I saw how beautiful you looked coming down the aisle, and can't believe that you still chose to marry me even when you know all my many faults. Thank you for not only for making me very happy but for loving me as much as I love you. In our own Grand Prix —no doubt I will win some of our races and you will win all of the others, but no matter what happens, at the end of the season–xxx you will always be MY World Champion.
Right, that's the mush out the way…

(Thank You – Best Man)

I'd like now to express my thanks to James for everything he has done. Over the years, he has brought us 19 or 20, great episodes, packed with incredible stunts, glamorous locations, beautiful women, fast cars & amazing high-tech gadgets. And to think it's 40 years since the first one ……

Actually, I've just realised that when xxx said "You'd better remember to say something about James", she didn't actually mean James Bond – my screen hero, but, my best man James, who is sitting right here at the top table! Every Bridegroom needs a Best Man he can totally rely on, somebody organised who can take charge and make the day run smoothly – a person who is very serious and responsible.
But what do you do if you don't know anybody like that? ……Well in my case I picked James. I'd sincerely like to thank him for organising the stag night, for 15 years of friendship and for being my best man today.—- and don't you all agree how Dapper he looks in his highland dress ‘an troos’. -Well done James (Thank you – Ushers)

xxx and I would also like to thank xxx and xxx for being our ushers today. The duo added that ‘air of night-club bouncer respectability’ to an otherwise undemanding task, while we had the reassurance that only the R.A.F …..sorry (must be a spelling mistake) -we had the reassurance that ONLY the "Riff Raff" — (no sorry that must be)-NO ‘Riff-Raff’- were allowed into the church. (Thank You Bridesmaids) Lastly xxx & I would like to thank our three radiant Bridesmaids. Thank you, xxx, xxx and xxx for being excellent Bridesmaids. Thank you all for helping xxx with her preparations today and in the past few months -and after the numerous ‘phone-calls BT would also like to thank you very much as well! You've all been terrific and I'm sure ladies & gentlemen you will agree that they all look beautiful…and in xxx's case ….blooming beautiful. —(I had an ambulance park discreetly round the corner (just in
case!!))
The golden rule of speeches is "Quit while at least some of the audience are still awake," so that is exactly what I will do. If the person next to you has nodded off please give them a nudge, as I know they wouldn't want to miss the toast.
So in traditional fashion, would you please be upstanding as I propose a toast…………………………………………….…
"Ladies and gentlemen, to "xxx, xxx and xxx – the Bridesmaids."

(End)

xxx and I will be trying to circulate this evening to catch up with you all and ensure you enjoy this celebration as much as we do.
Finally—-
I read somewhere that "a man is incomplete until he is married…..after that he is finished!". Which is what I am now—–

Thank you.