Speech by Ian Macfarlane

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Ian Macfarlane
Speech Date: May2007
Without trying to sound too much like Huey Lewis &amp the News, I would like to say the Human Brain…is a curious thing, make a one man weep….oh no wrong line…, I mean it functions perfectly from the moment you are born, until the day you…have to stand up and deliver a speech…

But, in keeping with tradition and as so many grooms before me have said…I did in fact have a fantastic speech all worked out today, but now that I'm married, my new wife has…..I'm pleased to say has had nothing to do with it all and I will say what I was going to in the first place!
So Ladies and Gentleman friends and families, we would like to thank each and every one of you for coming here today to celebrate our marriage. We know a few of you have travelled a fair distance to be here to enjoy our very special day with us and we greatly appreciate that and are delighted to see you.

My first thank you though is to my wife, Rachel – I am sure you will all agree she looks amazing today and I am the truly the luckiest bloke I know. I am certainly the happiest and the proudest and Rachel I do love you so much and I am so in love with you.

We have my brother with us today, Alex and his family have come up from Essex, although they nearly didn't make it as Alex had to be on duty last night for the Brazil/England game at Wembley and had to have an early start this morning. To you Alex, thanks for being there when the need has arisen in the past and to all of the family, Alex, Denise, Melissa and Louis, thanks all very much for coming today, it means a lot. It's a pity Mike, my other brother and his family couldn't be here but he is in his favourite and beloved land down under and we did speak during the week and he wished us all the best.

And also to big Roy and his wife Kath, who have come over from Bolton. In fact the trip they made was a little further as they jetted in form the West Coast of America only yesterday, and all just for our weeding, well sort off, very impressive. Roy is one of my golfing buddies and is part of the hardcore inner circle when ever we go away on the golfing days out and without hesitation I can honestly say, I can honestly say, that it is Roy who always ensures we don't drink much on the nights away, and are all tucked up in bed early so we are nice and fresh for the following mornings golf……yeah rite! I'm sure he has got plenty of tales to tell about the golf days and he may even share some of the clean ones with you later at Gill &amp Dons.

On a personal note, I would especially like to thank my new in laws Gill and Don who have done everything to make me feel welcome since I first started seeing Rachel, in fact the whole family has which is great. Don did say that Rachel could be a bit of handful and at first I wandered where the conversation was going, but I know now what he meant and I'm pleased to say I can't think of a nicer handful than Rachel.

To you both, please be assured I will always love her, look after her and protect her. But also notice there was no mention of the word obey..…
Some of you may know, and some of you may not, but Don is one of life's great handy men.

Now there is one particular tale, of seemingly so many. For instance, I could tell you about the conservatory furniture falling off the trailer and bouncing down the M62, but I wont mention that but I would like to tell a tale involving the plumbing in of a new washing machine, when we moved into our house in Beverley a few years back…

Oh, just as a side track it was also Don that also converted me from my favourite top shelf tipple being Brandy, to the now and I have to say, just slightly more regular, Whisky, so thanks for that Don – don't know what I've been missing all these years……anyway back to the washer.
We had taken delivery of a few bits and pieces having recently moved in and after a lazy late summer's afternoon barbeque, Dons mission was to get this thing plumbed in. It was to sit in a dedicated housing, immediately adjacent to an under shelf open corner unit – onto which we had put our finest, high quality and most expensive display glassware, ornaments and the like.

Out comes Don from of the back kitchen door into the garden, “all done” I said? “Yep, all done” he said “no problems” I said, “nope, no problems” he said. “Excellent” I said “fancy a glass” “don't mind if I do” said Don.

It wasn't until later that night about 11 O'clock we had just gone to bed having previously put the washer on. Now, I know you all would expect the spin cycle of a new washing machine to be a contented, but hard working humming noise…..what we started to hear from downstairs was something that can only be described as dgdgdgdgdgd crash, dgdgdgdgdgd crash and the crashes just kept on going dgdgdgdgdgd crash. So I jumped out of bed, hurriedly took off the rubber gloves and the fireman's hat and went immediately downstairs to investigate.

To our amazement, when we opened the kitchen door I say we, Rachel by this time had untied herself and was tip toeing up behind me – there was smashed glassware everywhere, all over the floor, the washer had inched its way of out the housing and was dancing all over the place doing it's dgdgdgdgdg thing and it wasn't until we switched the thing off, swept up and had a closer examination, we realised what the moral of this story was….and to those of you whoever purchase a washing machine in the future – always remember to take out the drum locking bolts used for transportation….before you switch it on…..!

No, seriously, Don thanks for all the help you have given us in recent years it means a great deal and to you Gill, thanks in advance for the continued celebrations we are about to enjoy at Corner Cottage – and we have a small token of our appreciation for you.

[Flowers]
Of course, I can't stand up here without giving a special thanks to my mum and dad who have always been there for me with support and guidance in every big decision I have made in my life. Whatever it was, you have always been there and I can't thank you enough.

You are truly the best parents any son could want &amp you can be immensely proud of your 3 sons, we certainly are of you.

I can now see the enjoyment and interest that you both continue to show in my fortunes and career and for giving me that guidance, help and support, I thank you.

And to you both and in particular for you mum, for helping out with today, we also have another small token of our appreciation.

[Flowers]
We are also pleased that Geoff &amp Sue could join us in our celebrations today. Geoff is my business partner at Lab Systems and I have to say we very proud of what we've achieved in recent years and moreover are looking forward to the opportunities that lie ahead of us.

And of course to Amy, my daughter. I will always love you my darling and I will always be there for you.

I don't think there's to many more thank you's, so I thought it might be worthwhile just taking a moment to reflect on a few notable events in history, which are associated with the two very important years concerning Rachel and I.

Firstly 1962, and what about 1962 you might very well say……
[Response] Ah, I'm glad you asked that,

Well, In 1962 Tom Cruise was born. And as it turned out one of us has a fantastic lifestyle, a beautiful wife, has lovely 7 month old baby daughter and is surrounded be great friends and families…….and the other turned out to be a short arse little runt.

A few serious ones,

In 1962 Cans that can be opened with tabs are invented by the City Beer Company…who can remember that…? Rachel still can't open the flipping things, mind you the nails do have other uses.

Decca records turns down signing the Beatles…..good decision there then.

And Sean Connery landed the role of James Bond – still the best one for my liking.

And of course, I was born
What then about 1974…

Disposable plastic razors were invented by Gillette….Don still hasn't seemed to pick up on that one yet.

Three day working week introduced in the UK – haven't a clue what one of them is.

Scientists prove that CFC's destroy the Ozone layer – all interesting stuff.

Free family planning became available on the NHS – I think we better skip over that one for the moment…

And in 1974 as well as Rachel, Kate Moss born let me just think about that for a minute – Rachel vs. Kate Moss – no comparison…..Rachel of course.

If I could briefly turn back to Mum and Dad, because at mum and dads, as I'm sure most of you know who have been there, they have a some light reading strategically positioned in the downstairs loo, in the form of a framed manuscript found in Old St. Paul's Churchyard back in 1692 or something. It gives you great food for thought every time you are reflecting on the job in hand…..A few of the deep and meaningful bits of writing I can remember I would like to share with you now. The first one being, is actually the opening passage, which is usually a good place to start….…

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste……yeah we can just about do that I reckon, me to a tee that..…

Be proud of your achievements and your career, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time…..yep, so far so good.

Do not compare yourself to others for you will become vain, or bitter, as there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself…..very true.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit…………[look at Rachel] bolloxed that one up then big time.

And It finishes something like……Be careful, strive to be happy, it is still a beautiful world.

Well, right now I can honestly say that I am truly happy and that is down to Rachel, my bride, my wife. I am so privileged you agreed to be my wife and I will love you always. I promise I will do everything humanly possible to keep you safe and happy.

I've taken a few minutes out to really think what we should hope and strive for from our marriage and whilst I would like to read this now to Rachel, I feel these slightly more serious sentiments apply equally to us all.

A good marriage must be created,
In the art of marriage the little things we do, are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands,
It is remembering to say, “I love you”, at least once each day,
It is never going to sleep angry,
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives,
It is standing together, facing the world,
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family,
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget,
It is giving each other an atmosphere, in which each can grow,
It is the common search for the good and the beautiful,
It is not only marrying the right partner,
It is being the right partner.
Rachel and I now know we have found the right partner and that we are both looking forward to the rest of our lives together, till death do us part.
Before I finish and ask you all to be upstanding, there is one more and final thank you and that's to the Pipe and Glass Inn for hosting today and hopefully you have all had an enjoyable meal, so to Kate and all the staff involved today thank you very much.

So, ladies and gentlemen, that is me just about done, thank you all very much for coming and we will see you just now round the corner, oh and if any of the name place labels were spent wrong, please have a got at Don first, then Rachel, but not me.

Could I ask you all now to please be upstanding as I would like to propose a toast which I hope you will appreciate that it reflects the basis of my speech today:

To Friends &amp Families.

[All]

We will shortly be making our way to Gill and Dons, there is no rush…..providing we leave in the next 5 minutes, as the staff have to get the room ready for another do tonight – no, seriously if we can aim to be away by [check time], that will be good.

Thanks again to you all.