Speech by James Withington

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: James Withington
Speech Date: sep2002
Good evening ladies and gentleman,

This is the first time that I have had to make a grooms speech, and being somewhat unsure of what I am suppose to say, I consulted with my best man who got married several years ago. He has given me some headings to follow and has told me that this should get me thorough the required speech tonight.

INTRODUCTION: well I guess I have taken care of that.

Keep audiences attention with a small joke. (Read aloud)

Okay here goes, what do you do if a Rottweiler starts humping your legs?

Answer, fake an orgasm, there that is that heading completed.

Refer to why you are here. (Read aloud)

Ladies and gentleman you have been selected from the masses, through a rigorous selection process to celebrate the marriage of Catherine to myself, today.

This day is an historic day, on this day in 1879 The British-Zulu War begins as British troops under Lieutenant General Frederic Augustus invade Zululand from the southern African republic of Natal, On this day in 1896, Dr. Henry Louis Smith fired a bullet into a corpse's hand and then took a fifteen-minute X-ray photograph to reveal the exact location of the bullet, and on this day in the year 2002, you attended this wedding reception and heard the finest wedding speech of your entire lifetime, and my best man Andrew will be making it.

Aylisa and Ray. Thank you both for all the efforts you have put into this wedding. I am aware that this is the second wedding you have had within 12 months and you certainly have it down pat. I must thank you both for bringing up such a lovely daughter and for making me so welcome in your family. You have made it very easy for me to fit in and I hope I can be everything you want from a son-in-law and more.

But, I must say – it's funny how history repeats itself? 32 years ago Catherine's mum and dad were sending her to bed with a dummy – and here we are again today!

By the way Ray I haven't forgotten, I'll sign that receipt for you. Ray has
written out a receipt for me, it says :

Received one daughter in perfect condition, full guaranteed, fully
warranted. Comes complete with all extras. I have to say the nurse's uniform is my favourite, but to be honest it is a little bit tight on me.

Care notes : gets bored easily keep busy with constant supply of chores.

I'd like to thank my parents for all the love and support they have given me over the years, particularly during my ‘Kevin the teenager’ phase. Which by the way I am hoping to grow out of soon. I imagine that once we have children we will both realise how difficult it can be to a parent and what a good job my parents did. But most of all I'd like to thank them for all the money over the years, by the way Dad I'm a bit short today I don't suppose you could sub me! It never ends does it?

Not to be outdone my dad has a receipt for Catherine, it says:

Received one son, sold as seen, no refunds under any circumstances. We've
re-decorated the room and changed the locks so you're stuck with him.

Warning: the slight discolouration is dirt, which may come off with vigorous
scrubbing. But don't count on it it's been there that long.

Care Notes : de-hydrates easily top up regularly with beer.

Closing

Most couples on their wedding day describe it as the happiest day of their lives. That worries me because it implies that as from tomorrow there's a lifelong decline ahead, so I'm making the most of today. However, I must say that today I'm so happy that even days less happy could still be blissful.

But seriously, to my wife, my bride and joy, thank you for everything you have done. You know everything about me and love me just the same. I have my faults, yet you still agreed to marry me. I am extremely lucky to have been the one to marry you – and I hope this is the start of many happy years together.

As tradition has it I am required to comment on the state of the bridesmaids. As you can all see Catherine has chosen two delightful girls to fulfil this requirement. I therefore ask you to charge you glasses and propose a toast to the bridesmaids.

To the bridesmaids.