Speech by Jeremy Kenyon

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Jeremy Kenyon
Speech Date: Oct2005
Thank you Tony for your kind words, and I would like to say that it is a privilege to be welcomed into a family that is even more diverse and complicated than my own.

Distinguished guests, those of lesser distinction, and those of no distinction at all, family, relatives, in@laws and outlaws, friends, friends of friends, freeloaders, and hangers@on, welcome to our wedding breakfast.

Someone once said that a good speech has both a good beginning and a good ending however A great speech keeps them very close together. Well, unfortunately, this speech is neither good nor great, so make yourselves comfortable, and yes the fire exits have been barred so don't think about it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you are about to witness a unique event in history, the very first and the very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. It is a privilege and an honour to do so. I just hope that so soon into our married life I don't let Romy down. So on@behalf of Romy I would like to say:@

Jeremy, I worship the ground you walk on, the air you breath, I was put here on earth to serve you, to clean for you, to cook and Iron for you, to do your bidding what ever it may be. I am yours to command and from this day forth I will dedicate my life to serving you, and making you happy. I really am the luckiest girl in the world.

I may have paraphrased a bit, but I but I think we all agree that is what Romy wanted to say.

Now seriously, I had a cracking speech prepared with humour, emotion and sentiment but as I am now married, my wife has given me a speech to read instead.

Put Speech down, take new speech from Romy

It is hard to express our feelings on this special day but it wouldn't be such a special day without the presence of our friends and families. Romy and I are humbled and greatly honoured that so many of you have made the effort to be here and share this day with us. So on@behalf of my wife and I, I would like to thank you all.

Unfortunately there are some people who cannot be with us, my Aunty Julie and Uncle les, Tania, Melicia and Mike, Shelley and Tim, Netch, All whom would dearly love to join us but cant for one reason or another, our thoughts are with them and I know their thoughts are with us.

We all have relatives who have gone on to life's last great adventure, and it is with my deepest regret that I didn't find Romy earlier so that they may share this special day with us. In particular our thoughts are with Ada &amp James, Lionel &amp Margery, Pee &amp Porich,. Aunty B, Aunty G, Tony &amp Maureen. I feel sure their sprits are with us and looking down approvingly. Our thoughts are always with them.

I hope your all enjoying this day as much as I am, and how well it is going is a reflection on the monumental efforts for all involved. So as is traditional I would first like to make a few thankyous.

Our thanks to Andrew, Director of Ushing. Never have so many people been ushed so well by so few. Its fairly self evident that you did a terrific job keeping the paparazzi away for I have seen neither hide nor hair of the Hello! Magazine photographers. Well Done and thanks.

I have never felt more indebted to any person. My mother has sacrificed so much to put me where I am. I only hope I live up to her expectations. I have been a difficult son, troublesome, quarrelsome, opinionated, and wrong, but still she loves me. She taught to be a gentlemen, to respect all people, to eat properly, to wash behind my ears, and to be magnanimous. Obviously I didn't listen to her, that's what boys do, but she still gave me the best framework from which to live my life. Thankyou

It also goes with out saying that both Romy and I need to give special thanks to Father Paul for doing the honours and directing our ceremony today. You were very welcoming to me and made me feel very comfortable with a catholic wedding. We are both honoured that you agreed to share the rest of our day with us. Thankyou.

A special thanks are required for our 2 readers today, Margie and Yvonne. I think I speak for everybody when I say you did a phenomenal job. We take it as a great honour that you would take part in the ceremony and contribute so eloquently. Thankyou.

Romy and I would also like to thank Mary and Margy for organising her hen do and for all their support prior to the wedding.

I was a little perturbed today, for on the way into the Church I heard one of my friends ask Cathy whether she was a friend of the Groom, to which she replied “Certainly not young man – I'm the brides mother!” . Only joking.
Since the first time I meat Tony &amp Cathy they made me feel part of the family. They welcomed me into their home and never once questioned Romys’ poor judgment in men, well now its too late. Thanks doesn't seem enough for both them, if it wasn't for their tireless efforts the wedding wouldn't be taking place. I may have been opinionated and argumentative but all their efforts are truly appreciated by both my wife and I. I am truly privileged to be joining their family and honoured that Tony let me walk out of the Church with Romy as my wife. Thankyou.

I'm sure you all agree the Bridesmaids look truly beautiful and have made the perfect accompaniment to a Wonderful bride. Romy is truly honoured that all three of you consented to be here with her today. It was a great comfort to her that she had you all to help and rely on. Thankyou.

I would especially like to thank Elaine. Not only for being our bridesmaid but also for her magnificent drawing of the Church used on the order of Service. It is truly a work of art and the order of service would not be the same with out it. All your efforts in creating it were worthwhile and very much appreciated. Thankyou.

I just want to say to both my best men. I apologize un@reservedly for anything and everything that I may have done or said to you over the years. As I now stand before everybody I can see it clearly that it was all my fault, I am truly sorry.

If either of you now need a few moments to alter your speeches we can have a quick recess? Yes? No? Maybe? Do I have to work harder?

Its probably a good time to mention that both of them have had to seek medical attention for compulsive lying and exaggeration. Yes I know, what are the odds that they are both afflicted so.

Most people have a best friend to turn to, a rock, someone who has stuck by them through thick and thin, for better or worse. Not dissimilar to a wife, but without the vows and the mushy stuff. Well I am truly privileged to have 2 and I am honoured that you both wished to stand by me today. Thank you for all your efforts and just being there for me. You have really proved your selves worthy of the title Bestmen. Thankyou.

When I discussed the wedding list with Romy, my only suggestion in between &quotYes dear&quot and &quotNo dear&quot was a dishwasher, but she callously told me not to worry, already got one, @ Me!
I'm just hoping that someone has bought us one of those magic@washing baskets. Quite a few blokes I know have them. That's the one you put your dirty laundry in and it appears a few days later in the wardrobe washed and ironed.

Whether or not I got the magic basket or the Ferrari, Romy and I would like to thank you all for your generosity.

I would like to say thankyou to all the hotel staff and in particular the master of ceremonies. You have all contributed to making this day special, your efficiency and attention to detail has not gone unnoticed and we all appreciate your efforts. Thank you.

To my lovely and saintly bride I would like to say, Never has one man been so lucky to have the most beautiful and understanding bride. When I saw you enter the church, of course I was relieved, but more than that I was overwhelmed that such a beautiful, intelligent, charming, and and…

Sorry Romy what have you written here.

Only joking, I just want say that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I consider myself a very lucky man. Thankyou for loving me, and thankyou for putting up with me.

Whilst researching how I should structure this speech I came upon a recommendation, ‘Say what qualities I have that I am lucky Romy can live with’. Well after what was all to brief amount of time and a list as long as my arm, it occurred to me that it was everything. I am lucky Romy can put up with me. I'm a bitter, twisted, angry, short, cantankerous, old man, and I consider my self very lucky that in amongst that little lot Romy can find something to Love and ignore the rest.

It is probably these great qualities that prompted my mum to issue a receipt to Romy for myself, it reads:@

Received one son, sold as seen, no refunds under any circumstances. We've
re@decorated the room and changed the locks so you're stuck with him.
Warning: the slight discolouration is dirt, which may come off with vigorous scrubbing. But don't count on it as it's been there that long.

Care Notes: de@hydrates easily, top up regularly with beer.

Don't worry Mum, I will make sure she signs it.

Now then.., tradition dictates that I tell a story or two about Romy …

Unfortunately Romy dictates that I do no such thing.

However most of you know me, and know you can always tell a Yorkshire man, you just cant tell him much. So on with the stories:@

I racked my brains for something funny or embarrassing about Romy but over all the incidents I seem to come out worse. Needless to say you aren't going to hear those stories from me and hopefully you wont hear them from the best men either.

Before the wedding I actually overheard Romy talking to one of her friends,
She asked Romy why we had waited so long to get married, the reply was a little disturbing.
&quotMen are like a fine wine. They all start out as grapes. Its our job to
stamp on them and then keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd like to have dinner with&quot…

Well I'm just glad Romys taste in wine is cheap, unrefined, and
immature.

It was undoubtedly her great vision on what I could be stamped into that helped get us here today. I first met Romy over 13 years ago, it took 7 years of subtle stamping to get me to a point where Romy would date me, and then a further 6 years of hard aggressive stamping to get us here today, and Im sure the stampings not over yet, But somewhere down the line I've grown to enjoy it and Romy will at last have dinner with me.

So ladies and gentlemen, let me first remind you what a pair of liars my bestmen are and secondly to thank you all once again for coming, and third ask you to be upstanding for a toast.

To Friends, &amp Family.