Speech by John Baird

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: John Baird
Speech Date: Jun 2002
[Thank you – Parents]
I'd like to thank John for those kind words, I am very proud to be your son-in-law; I hope I can live up to your expectations. I would sincerely like to thank yourself, and Kit for welcoming me into their family and on many occasions into their home, and also for bringing up such a lovely daughter and for giving me your blessing, to marry Diane,
In addition, due to the number of phone calls between Diane and Kit, the phone company would also like to thank you both.

On this date in history in 1889 the Boer war ended and maybe after my speech you'll think its started again, although this day will go down in history as the day you all heard the best ever speech, That will be read shortly by one of my best men Alf .
It is said that a great speech has a good beginning, a good ending, and most importantly, the two are as close together as possible.
Have a thick wad of paper
Well tough! (Unfold notes, pause and smile at all tables.)

That, of course, was a cracker of a speech of my own worked out for you today, but as I am now married, my wife has handed this to me to say instead

By the way John I haven't forgotten, I'll sign that receipt for you. John has written out a receipt for me (produce bit of paper with the writing on saying)
Received one daughter in perfect condition, fully guaranteed, fully warranted. .
Care notes: gets bored easily keep busy with constant supply of chores).
Comes complete with all extras
my favourites the nurse's uniform,

Not to be outdone though my dad has also has a receipt for Diane to sign it reads (again pull out another bit of paper).
Received one son, sold as seen, no refunds under any circumstances. We've re-decorated the room and changed the locks so you're stuck with him.
Care Notes: de-hydrates easily, top up regularly with beer.

[Thank you – Best men]
I would now personally like to thank Alf and Mark for agreeing to be my Best Men I have been best man to both of them and now its my turn to go from the witness box to the dock…… I bet Di brings that up for the next 50 years. They have been a tower of strength throughout the proceedings as through my life as well . And what better way to reward them as to let them get me back for the speeches I did at their weddings. I,d like to give these to you.
HAND GIFTS TO THEM

On behalf on my wife and I, we would like to thank the rest of you for your presence in both senses of the word, and for sharing our special day with us. Especially those who have travelled from far away places like Holland , Ireland, Margate and North of England to be here we are very grateful although Colin never surprises me how far he would go for a free meal,

We have been planning this wedding for about a year now, although it seems like a lifetime. Well, I say "we", really Diane did all the work, I just agreed to sort out the weather (if hot add: and might I say a good job has been done it wasn,t easy but nevertheless I made it hot today) (If cold add: And I even got that wrong._
I met Diane at Eros nightclub thanks to Never Trevor over there (point) for introducing me. Diane had turned up after being let down by a Dutch lad who impressed her with his inflatable shoes the night before, unfortunately when she phoned him she heard he'd popped his clogs. PAUSE

They say You don't marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you cannot live without which is very true with Diane and whilst looking forward and preparing myself for today I wasn't prepared enough for when I saw her walk down the aisle oozing with elegance and grace. I was overwhelmed to the say the least by how beautiful Diane looked.
I should be used to it now as Diane always dresses to kill , unfortunately cooks the same way. Although i shouldn't have a go at her cooking that much she done a lovely meal a few days ago only slightly burning it…..… But it was a lovely salad.

Only kidding babe

I hope we'll be as happy as a famous couple who also shared our initials Dot Cotton and Jim Branning So I'd like to propose a toast
To my bride: she knows all about me and loves me just the same

Today also represents a great occasion for both my parents who as well as putting up with me and pointed me in the right direction, have prepared me well, supported me through my life and taught me the difference between right and wrong, so as that I know which I am enjoying at any given time!

[Thank you – Bridesmaids]
A final and big thank you goes to our bridesmaids Shirley and Rachael who looked lovely and thank them all for doing such a wonderful job today : (GIVE THEM GIFTS).

(Toast bridesmaids)
Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding. I would like to propose a toast to the bridesmaids

Well I could stand here and give you a load more stale old jokes, but instead I think I'll leave that to one of my best men who has cut his speech by quite a lot so as not to be Tottenhams first case of foot in mouth disease, just remember he's never been one to let the truth get in the way of a good story….… Ladies and gentlemen, Alfred Fisher.