Speech by Los Osgood

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Los Osgood
Speech Date: May 2001
I was really, really nervous about standing up here and speaking, suffice to say this is not the first time today I've risen from a warm seat with a
piece of paper in my hand.
No I really was really nervous about standing up here and speaking, so I
prepared a few lines- and having snorted them I feel absolutely fine.

I've got a few thank you's to do.

Firstly I'd like to thank everyone for coming. I know it's not the easiest
thing to come all the way out to Yorkshire but Kate and I really appreciate
that you all made the effort. We're especially grateful to those people who
have travelled a long distance to be here. I know that Shirley has flow in
from Colorado, it's scary how far an Osgood will go for a free meal.

I'd like to thank you all for all your kind cards and gifts. We really
appreciate that. For those of you that have given money, we fly out to
Catalunya on Tuesday and we are staying in a 5 star hotel. Your generosity
will ensure we have a brilliant honeymoon.,

I'd like to thank Kate's parents for helping with the cost of all this. And
more than that I'd like to thank them for raising such a beautiful daughter. To anyone who knows Kate it is obvious that they have done a great job helping mould her into the wonderful person she is today. Roy and Helga, of course, also raised two sons, Mark and Nige, well one out of three ain't bad.

But, I must say – it's funny how history repeats itself? 35 years ago Kate's mum and dad were sending her to bed with a dummy – and here we are again today!

By the way Roy I haven't forgotten, I'll sign that receipt for you. Roy has
written out a receipt for me, it says :

Received one daughter in perfect condition, full guaranteed, fully
warranted. Comes complete with all extras. I have to say the nurse's uniform is my favourite, but to be honest it is a little bit tight on me.

Care notes : gets bored easily keep busy with constant supply of chores.

I'd like to thank my parents for all the love and support they have given me over the years, particularly during my ‘Kevin the teenager’ phase. Which by the way I am hoping to grow out of soon. It wasn't until I had kids myself that I realised how difficult it was to be a parent and what a good job my parents did. But most of all I'd like to thank them for all the money over the years, by the way Dad I'm a bit short today I don't suppose you could sub me! It never ends does it?

Not to be outdone my dad has a receipt for Kate, it says :

Received one son, sold as seen, no refunds under any circumstances. We've
re-decorated the room and changed the locks so you're stuck with him.

Warning: the slight discolouration is dirt which may come off with vigorous
scrubbing. But don't count on it it's been there that long.

Care Notes : de-hydrates easily top up regularly with beer.

I guess in this day and age the one thing I should explain is why we decided to get married at all. We already live together, shit Roy you did know we live together right? For me it was because when you meet someone as
beautiful, witty, intelligent, hard working, caring, sexy, sensual, supportive and wonderful as Kate you want some way of saying to the world
she's mine, she's with me, I am sooo lucky. And today I feel like the
luckiest guy in the world. I am absolutely knocked out that Kate agreed to
be my bride. And she is the most beautiful bride. I know everyone says that
but in this case it happens to be true. But I think the thing that really
clinched the decision to get married for me, was the fact we could get
Kate's dad to pay for a big booze-up.

All that stuff about Kate was a bit sickly! I'm not sure it was a good idea
to say it just after you have all eaten. Although in my defence, that was
the part of the speech that Kate wrote. Did I say it right Kate? I get to
keep the new motorbike now, right?

I'd like to thank Steve for agreeing to be the best man, well the best I
could get at short notice anyway. I've got a small present for you Steve, I
didn't wrap it I thought you'd need it right away. Dutch courage! Drink
quickly mate it's your turn next, tough audience. Actually I've seen you
drink whisky I'm not sure that a thermos flask wouldn't have been better.
Steve is going to speak to you in a minute or two and I suspect he is about
to become Yorkshire's first case of Foot IN Mouth

I'd like to thank the Pageboy Stefi for all the support he has given me over the last few weeks. Does he not look handsome today? Actually he looks too handsome. It's an un-written rule at weddings no-one is allowed to look more handsome than the groom. That's why we invited all the fellas you see around here, no such problems from them.

I'd like to thank Katie for coming and being a bridesmaid today. It's not an easy thing when your Dad re-marries and she has been terrific today and
looks beautiful.

Finally on behalf of Kate I'd like to thank Jane for being the maid of
Honour. I know that she has done a sterling job of supporting Kate over the
last few weeks. Mostly she has been supporting Kate on the way home from the Hen nights mind you. No seriously, weddings can be stressful and I know Jane has been a rock for Kate in the last few weeks. We have a little present for you too.

And with that I'd ask you to charge your glasses and be upstanding for a
toast to the bridesmaids.

I give you the bridesmaids