Speech by Mike Hammer

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Mike Hammer
Speech Date: Oct2004
Thanks for those kind words P. I can certainly see that A was moved by what you said. I think that you summed her up perfectly.
On behalf of my wife and I, I would like to start by thanking everyone for sharing this very special day with us.

I know that people have traveled from Germany, France, Yorkshire, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire & Gloucestershire. We also appreciate that many of you have given up a day's holiday. So a big thanks to you all, we really do appreciate the effort you have all made to be with us here today. The day certainly wouldn't be as special if it wasn't for all our friends and family being here with us.

We would also like to thank you for your cards, kind thoughts and wedding gifts, we really do appreciate them. I hope that you are all enjoying the day as much as we are.

We really want to thank our parents and step parents, as if it wasn't for them we wouldn't be here! We would like to thank them for their love & support over the years. For the sacrifices they have made for us, for the advice they have given us, and for doing their very best to point us in the right direction. In my case, I have to say that despite their best efforts, I usually went & did the exact opposite of what they said of course…but then I guess that's what sons are for.

J & P, thank you so much for your support and for welcoming me so warmly into your family. And thank you both for this lovely reception. We really do appreciate it. You really have brought up a lovely daughter & I am so proud to have become A's husband. To anyone who knows A, it is obvious what a great job you have done helping her to grow into the wonderful person she is today. I promise I will love & cherish her. I can assure you that I will do my very best to live up to the promises I made in my reading during the ceremony today. The bad news of course is that you are stuck with me now!

I would also like to say a special thanks to Mum & B, especially for their patience through the years of football, loud music and motorbikes. You never know, I may grow out of them one day! Also thanks for your contribution to today's proceedings, which we really do appreciate.
So, in recognition of all that our parents & step parents have done for us, we would like to give them a small gift. Tradition says that we should give the mothers flowers, but A & I wanted to give you a more permanent reminder of today. So I have booked you all in at Sparks, Salisbury's tattoo & body piercing studio, where you can have the tattoo or body piercing of your choice.

Only joking, here is a token of our appreciation for all you have done for us over the years. I only hope that we can make you as proud of us as we are of you.

We also want to say a big thank you to C & S who did the readings today. I know that S is used to performing in front of much larger audiences than this, but C isn't. Well not sober anyway! If anyone has ever done a reading on an occasion like this then you will know that it's not an easy thing to do. The readings were really excellent, so thanks to both of you. In addition of course, S has done a sterling job as usher, so a double thank you to S. As a token of our appreciation we have gifts for you both.

Of course we must say a special thank you to the bridesmaids, G, E & my little princess H. You all look fantastic. You look so beautiful, so elegant & graceful. We are so lucky to have such lovely bridesmaids. I would also like to thank my little man S, a more cute & cheeky page boy you couldn't wish to meet.

I think it is fair to say that the chief bridesmaid G looks particularly lovely today. I would like to say a special thanks to G for all the support that she has given Alex in the run up to the wedding. I understand now why Alex looks upon you as a such a dear friend. You have been brilliant to Alex over the last few months. Thank you G. We do of course have some gifts for the bridesmaids & S.

Before I go any further, please can I ask you all to be upstanding to toast the bridesmaids. The bridesmaids!

To be honest, I did have a great speech worked out for you today. But as I am now married, my wife has told me what to say instead. Fortunately, this means that I'm not going to stand here and give you a load of stale old jokes, I'm going to leave that to my best man.

Talking of whom, I guess it's at least time to introduce him. So for those of you that don't know him, I'd like to introduce you all to my best man, R. He has handed me a whole load of wonderful things that I should tell you about him. Unfortunately, all this has done is confirm my firm belief that he is a compulsive liar and anything that he tells you should not be believed for one minute. So please bear this in mind when he makes his speech!!!!

We have actually been friends now for 18 years. When I say friends, he is the sort of friend that's always there to point and laugh just when you think, things can't get any worse.

Now, it is very important that I let you know that R is in fact teetotal, so please don't embarrass him today by offering to buy him a drink later. Actually he is allergic to alcohol. If he drinks too much he becomes really loud and all his hair falls out. AS YOU CAN SEE HE IS HALFWAY THERE ALREADY!

I read somewhere recently, that is a little known tradition at weddings that the Groom should always look much more handsome than the best man. On that note I would just like to thank R for making such an obvious effort to uphold that tradition this afternoon!!!!

Okay, I know that these are cheap shots but I was best man to R exactly 8 weeks ago today, so I have particular cause to be concerned! He will soon be getting his chance to get his own back!

Actually, my speech at R's wedding went very well. In fact, by the time I had finished, I was feeling very pleased with myself. Suddenly a little girl, called S, who is in fact here today, rather stole the limelight. She went running up to A, jumped on her lap & said A, your Dad is really funny. That took the wind out of my sails I can tell you.

Anyway, I digress. Joking aside, I have to say that I couldn't ask more of a best man. Over the years he's been a shoulder to cry on, a house to stay at, a great drinking companion, but most importantly of all, my best mate. R, we have of course, got you a little present, although I am sorely tempted to keep until after I have heard your speech! But I wont, here you are mate.

To be honest, I didn't intend to make much of a speech today. Having been through the trauma of delivering the best mans speech 8 weeks ago, I have had my share of the limelight for now thanks. I just intended to thank everyone & sit down. However, literally a week ago, A said to me have you written your speech yet. I replied that I didn't need to as I was just going to thank all the relevant people & that would be it. She then put on what I call her indignant face, I am sure that J & P, will know the one I mean. She said – you have to say something deep & meaningful about me. I insist.

So I did a bit of research & apparently it is also traditional for the groom to tell an amusing story or two about the bride. So G, you only have yourself to blame for this. Now anyone who knows A will tell you that she is rather gullible to put it mildly. Let me give you an example.
One morning whilst we were getting ready for work, A suddenly called me. Quick, you have to come & see this story on GMTV, it is amazing. So I joined her & A was totally absorbed by what was on the screen. The item was about this new water they were testing in a village near Sheffield. As long as you drank around 3 litres of this water a day, you could eat whatever food you liked & you would still lose weight. They interviewed lots of villagers. All saying how much weight they had lost, despite eating chips, pies, buns cakes etc. A thought it was wonderful & couldn't wait for the national rollout of this magical water. I let it go on for a while before I finally said to her, A what day is it today. Thursday she said. No darling what is the date. April the 1st she said. Enough said! Trust me the list is endless.

Another thing that baffled me about A is her choice of wedding presents. What A could possibly need with a set of 12 saucepans & 3 roasting trays is frankly totally beyond me. The limit of A's cooking prowess is to A) warm something up, usually beans. Or B) to chop something up, normally salad. To me that sounds like one saucepan at best. In fact she normally makes do with a plastic saucepan in the microwave. What the hell she will do with 12 saucepans is anyone's guess.

You may also be surprised to know A,that you came with a receipt. P & J passed it to me earlier. I have to sign it & give it back. Here is what it says

Received one daughter in near perfect condition, fully guaranteed, fully warranted. Comes complete with all extras.

Warning: has tendency to get very irritable & irrational if she doesn't have final say on EVERYTHING

Care notes: gets bored easily, keep busy with constant supply of chores. (Not the A I recognize J). Keep topped up with expensive perfume and lubricate regularly with gin & tonic. (Now that is the A that I recognize!)

Service regularly.

Ooops, Sorry, it carries on overleaf.… Service regularly..… with lavish foreign holidays, gold jewellery, the music of Ronan Keating, and if all else fails try Chocolate. If this fails try more chocolate. Failing even this, try even more chocolate & large bunches of flowers.

One of the things that has kept me almost spellbound in the run up to the wedding is all the various appointments that A has had. Nails, that's toes & fingers, eyebrows, makeup, hair, teeth polishing, the list is endless. What baffles me even more, is that you apparently have to have practice sessions. A went to have her hair done the other night, but came back looking the same. Now this of course puts a bloke in a dodgy position. Any bloke knows that failing to comment after a hair appt means days of making your own tea etc. (Mind you, at least I would get a change from beans!) But I bit the bullet & said that I couldn't see any change. Surprisingly I was met not with the usual withering death stare that A reserves for times such as these. No the response was, no of course not, this was a practice. Apparently, they spent an hour and a half putting her hair up, & then taking it back down again. She had make up & nail practices too. Somebody out there is making a lot of money!

I think the final confirmation that I was living on another planet came with discovery of exfoliating body gloves. Apparently you take these into the bath & exfoliate yourself. This really got me thinking about the difference between men & women. I realized that the gap is much greater than I thought.

So G, I have a few suggestions that will help our future life together run so much more smoothly. I got these from a book explaining the difference between men & women. They are as follows Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up – you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags and shoes are for you.
ALL men see in only 8 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea whatsoever what aquamarine is!

I would like to offer A my sincere thanks for all the hard work that she has put into planning today's event. With the help of her Mum & G, she has really done a great job. Wedding planning has never been an equal opportunities business, although I was pleased that I was allowed to be involved on occasions, I had to sign these things called cheques!

There is however one organization that is bitterly disappointed that our wedding date has now arrived. But although disappointed, BT have asked me to pass on to you, A & your mum their sincere thanks for doubling their profits over the last 6 months.

I'd like to be serious for a moment. I know that's not normally my
style, but please bear with me.

I asked J earlier today, how A looked in her wedding dress. She
she said she looked beautiful, but that certainly didn't prepare me for when I first saw her. She literally took my breath away. She looks absolutely stunning. I was overwhelmed. You look gorgeous darling.

I was so thrilled when you agreed to marry me on that wonderful night in Portugal. You have accepted me for the man that I just can't help being ……..and for that I am truly grateful. You have been all over the country with me to watch my beloved Hammers and then put up with the silent journeys home. You even agreed to leave your own wedding ceremony accompanied by the Quo.

They say that you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person that you cannot live without. And in my case that is certainly true my darling. I have so much to thank you for. You know everything about me, including all the stupid things I have done, you know all my faults and yet you sill love me unconditionally.

You love H & S as though they were your own children. I know that they both love you very much too. I didn't dare dream that I would find someone as loving towards them as you are. I have made mistakes in my life & to be honest I thought that maybe my happiest days were behind me. Then you came into my life. I can easily remember the first time I saw you. You had so much life, energy, vibrancy & that wonderful sparkle in your eyes. I love that sparkle in your eyes. It still gives me goosebumps today.

I still can't believe how lucky I have been to find someone so wonderful to spend the rest of my life with. You have been a constant source of love & support since we have been together. I know that I have made the right choice because above all else, you are my soul mate & my best friend. I love you very much. GIVE SINGLE ROSE. I know that this is the start of a long & happy marriage.

So please can I ask you all to raise your glasses in a toast to my gorgeous bride. To my G!