Speech by Nigel Dean

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Nigel Dean
Speech Date: oct 2004
Distinguished guests, guests of no particular distinction, relatives young and old, friends, freeloaders, hangers on, gypsies, tramps and thieves and any one else who may have wandered in (to get out of the rain –if it's raining) on behalf of my wife and I… or as I prefer to call her "my most recent ex-girlfriend", welcome to our wedding breakfast. I hope you're all enjoying yourselves on this special day. It's great to see you all and I can honestly say it would not have been the same without you. It would have been a lot cheaper without you, but that's beside the point.
I recently read somewhere that a survey had been conducted
of things that people fear most, and top of that list above things like
spiders and heights, was the fear of standing up and making a speech in public.
I'm no different, suffice to say that this isn't the first time today I've
risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
In the course of my preparations for today I read somewhere that a successful speech has both a good beginning and a good ending but that a truly great speech is one that keeps both of these very close together. Unfortunately, (show thick pile of papers and pause…….) No this is not my speech – it's Anita's list of things I can and cannot do now that we're married.
Before I start I have to ask… Do you like my outfit?… I said to the tailor I wanted something in the style of Tommy Hilfiger…..unfortunately he thought I said Western Gunslinger. I've had to leave the six-guns at the shop ‘cause the police are a bit funny about that sort of thing where I'm concerned.
We have been planning this wedding for some months now, although it seems like a lifetime. Well, I say "we", really Anita did all the work, I just agreed to sort out the weather (if hot add: and might I say a good job has been done it wasn't easy but nevertheless I made it hot today) (If cold add: And I even got that wrong.)
Of course this doesn't explain WHY it has taken us so long to get married. Well, outside church today, I was talking to one of Anita's friends and she told me that, according to Anita, it's all about maturity. She had asked Anita why we were getting married now, after all this time, and her response was this…..…
“Men are like a fine wine. They all start out as grapes. Its our job to stamp on them and then keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with..…
They say you don't marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you cannot live without which is very true with Anita, and while looking forward and preparing myself for today I wasn't prepared enough for when I saw her walk down the aisle radiant with sheer elegance, grace and beauty. I was overwhelmed to say the least by how beautiful Anita looked this afternoon. I feel so proud and honoured to be married to her.
I met Anita all those years ago outside The Swallow at Thurnby. Thanks to Julie over there (point) for introducing us. As some of you know there is something of an age difference between Anita and I although I am a gentleman so I won't tell you exactly how much younger I am.
Now just to clear up a possible cause of confusion. Even those who have known me for many years will not have realised that I have a rather unusual middle name, spelt O-I-Y-E. Anita found this out and tends to call me by that so if you hear her shout “OI” you'll know it's me she's referring to.
We'd like to thank my new brother-in-law David for his kind words and good wishes. And to thank him for paying for this lovely reception …(pause and look at him) What? I thought you said…….No I'm only joking – you don't need another padlock for your wallet. But seriously, thanks to the White house and their staff for a delicious and beautiful meal.
Talking of "delicious & beautiful" (pause – look briefly towards bride then….) our usher Fraser is neither, but didn't he do a great job today. I felt he lent a certain nightclub doorman respectability to the whole occasion and I admired the way he searched the ladies handbags and frisked all the men going into the church with such discretion and subtlety. Thank you Fra.
There is an unwritten rule at weddings that no-one should look nearly as beautiful as the bride nor as handsome as the groom. I am pleased to say that I have certainly had no competition on that score from the usher or best man.
Speaking of the Best Man, I'd like to thank Pete for agreeing to be my Best Man. Most of you won't know him, but we've been close now for around 20 years, and in that time he has proven to be and I hope will continue to be a great friend. I got to know him really well some years ago when he asked if he could move in with me “for a couple of weeks while his mortgage was sorted out”. I thought he was being optimistic and that it would probably be at least three or four weeks. When he finally did move out SIX MONTHS LATER we were still the greatest of friends and have continued to be….But of course that could all change in the next few minutes when HE starts speaking. Let me assure you in advance that all the good stuff's true but anything else is pure fiction.
(Best Man and Usher’ gifts)
Pete, Anita and I have a small token of our appreciation here, for both you and Fraser
We'd like to thank you for all the support given to the bride today, as well as the other kind of support offered at the hen do, which was apparently quite a lewd and raucous affair. I gather the News of the World is doing an expose on it so the rest of you can read about it next Sunday.
We'd also like to thank you for all your generous gifts. Anita is looking forward to boosting Debenham's rating on the Stock Exchange when she spends them all. But most of all we want to thank you for blending in so well with the tablecloths.
On a serious note, some family and friends haven't been able to make it here today for various reasons, particularly Canon Alan Green who is very ill, so they're in our thoughts as I'm sure we're in theirs. As you are probably aware, both Anita's and my parents have passed on but I would just like to take a moment to thank them in their absence for the upbringing that they gave us and the love and values that they instilled in us.
Lastly we would also like to say a special thanks to my son Nick and his girlfriend Jen who will be cat sitting for us while we're away on our honeymoon. Quite an onerous task if you know Anita's cats.

It is customary for the groom to propose a toast to the bridesmaids but Anita decided she didn't want any (tight sod) so I would like to break with tradition and propose an alternative toast. You are all aware of our problems over the last few years and one of my biggest worries, especially when I was “down South”, so to speak, was that my two children, Michelle and Nick would go off the rails. I'm pleased to say that they didn't and they've both made us so proud of their achievements so I'd like to propose my toast to them….Michelle and Nick.
Very few of you will know, but I am an erstewhile poet, when the mood takes me. Anita has always complained that I have never written a poem for her, so I will today amend that omission. It's called Wedding Day
WEDDING DAY
The waiting is over, the day's here at last,
The planning is finished, it's all gone so fast,
The church is resplendent with colourful flowers.
The bells are all ringing from up in the tower,
The guests are arriving, the kids look so sweet,
There's an air of excitement as each takes their seat.
The bridegroom is nervous, as is the Best man,
Palms sweating, hands shaking, their complexions are wan,
The vicar is waiting, then the organ starts loud,
The bride has arrived, not that late, as she'd vowed
A vision of beauty, so radiant, so light,
I scarce can recall such a beautiful sight.
Then we're standing together, both with love in our heart.
Pledging love to each other ‘til death do us part.
The service is finished, now we're husband and wife,
To love and to cherish the rest of our life.
Then photos, confetti, the bells ring again,
With so many photos the smiling's a strain,
Then we're here at the breakfast, a jolly affair,
Good food, wine, and speeches and toasts in the air.
And then it's all over, and all the goodbyes
The guests are all waving, some with tears in their eyes.
As we're off for our honeymoon, the end of that day
All that mad frantic planning, but it all went ok,
But the lasting result, and what could be sweeter,
Is now I am married to my darling Anita.
Thank you (sit down)