Speech by Nigel

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Nigel
Speech Date: 09/01/2017 09:50:01

Distinguished family and friends, IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO SAY… ON BEHALF OF MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE AND MYSELF, that it is our pleasure to formally welcome you to the celebration of our wedding at Wiston House.

I've got to admit, I'm a bit nervous today. Not because I'm making a speech, but because I've been with Jenny for 6 years, (lean down as if Jenny has said something), sorry, seven years, and I'm not used to speaking for longer than 30 seconds without being interrupted, so please bear with me. I've also heard that you can learn a lot from your parents (Harry and Sam, please take note!) and therefore my speech is a lot like my dad… short and not very funny…and actually not that short… (Show stack of paper).

Now, a little bit of housekeeping that Wiston House has asked me to share. In honour of the Bride and several other BA Cabin Crew guests I would like to ask Harry to stand up and demonstrate in the time-honoured cabin crew manner:

“Ladies & Gentlemen,

May we have your special attention for the following safety instructions:

Please make sure that your hand luggage is securely stowed under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin.

This hall has 4 emergency exits, all marked with “EXIT” signs: 2 in the front and 2 in the rear.

Emergency lights on the floor show you the way to the emergency exits.

Fasten your seatbelt whenever the “Fasten seatbelt” sign is on. The belt can be opened easily whenever necessary. For safety reasons, we advise you to keep your seatbelt fastened while seated.

In case of loss of hall pressure, oxygen masks will be automatically released above your seats. Pull down the nearest mask, place it over mouth and nose and secure it with the elastic band.

Your life vest is located under your seat. In the event of a sudden flood, place the life vest over your head, fasten the straps at the front of the vest and pull them tight. Do not inflate the vest inside the great hall. As you leave the great hall, pull down the red tabs to inflate the vest. If necessary the life vest can be inflated by blowing through these tubes.

At this time your portable electronic devices must be set to airplane mode.”

Talking about travel we are humbled to have so many people here sharing this amazing day with us. We have guests who have come from all over the globe to be here today including Australia, Finland, Manchester and even Worthing. It really means the world to both of us that you have made the effort to be here, although it would certainly be a lot less stressful to make this speech to an empty room.

You will be the envy of all your friends when you head home after today, as you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first, and very last time, that my new wife is going to let me speak. It is a privilege and an honour to do so.

ABSENT FRIENDS AND FAMILY

We are truly honoured to share this day with so many of you but unfortunately, it's not been possible to have everyone we love here with us today. We know they're here with us in spirit and they're not only in our thoughts today, but more importantly they are always with us in our hearts. You may have noticed that your tables are named after South Down Hills that Jenny and I love and our table is named Wolstonbury – this is in honour of Jenny and Neil's parents, Douglas and Irene, who loved the South Downs and Wolstonbury in particular. So, with Douglas and Irene particularly in mind, this brings me to my first toast.

Would you please all stand, raise your glasses, & join me in a toast to absent family & friends. TO ABSENT FAMILY & FRIENDS

THANK YOUS

As you can imagine we have been planning this wedding for quite some time now… Well, I say “we”. I can take absolutely no credit! One of the best things about being a man is that weddings just seem to organise themselves. All I organised was the weather and I couldn't even get that right! I'm sure you will all agree that Jenny has done an amazing job but this day wouldn't have come together without the help of so many others. To them we are truly indebted as this special day wouldn't have been quite as special without their help.
I would first like to thank Neil and Heidi, my new in-laws for welcoming me into the family as sincerely as you have, and Neil for allowing me to marry your amazing sister. I would also like to thank Douglas and Irene for raising a beautiful, intelligent yet sometimes stubborn and bossy daughter (lean down as if Jenny has said something), sorry, rarely stubborn and bossy. Neil, it is traditional for the Bride's Father to gift a dowry to the Groom and, in Douglas's place, I have here an invoice for £250,000 for you – cash preferred – I am sure you will agree that Jenny is worth it.

And of course, thank you for letting me have her hand in marriage, in fact if I remember correctly, the words you said when I asked you was “at bloody last” wasn't it or that is the clean version at least anyway. Neil's first brother-in-law advice to me that day was that marriage is usually a 50/50 partnership, but he then went on to say anyone who thinks that, doesn't know women or is terrible at fractions.

To Wiston House and particularly Izzy and Gemma we thank you.

To Just Strings who played beautifully during the ceremony and later on today to Max, who will amaze you and Soul Brother who will have you filling the dance floor, thank you.

To Tracey, Josie and Tracey – We thank you for your readings today, we chose them because the words felt appropriate to us and you delivered them perfectly.

To Tom and Heidi, thank you for being our witnesses, you are both very special friends.

Finally, I'm sure you have all seen Bruce Neville, snapping away to try to immortalise this wonderful occasion. The pictures you capture today will ensure we can look back on this day with the fondest of memories. A priceless gift. Thank you from both of us.

There are undoubtedly other people who have had an impact on us and helped us in some way or another, and I would need hours to mention you all, but please know that your words, encouragement, love and support mean the world to us.

BRIDESMAIDS

Everyone looks fantastic today, and there are so many beautiful women here, but I want to mention four in particular: Jenny's Maid of Honour, Tracey, and the Bridesmaids Rachel, Rosie and Josie. You all look stunning in your Spurs Navy Blue dresses and I know that Jenny has appreciated you being there by her side. 

Tracey – You have been a rock for Jenny over the last year of planning but, more importantly, thank you for always being there for Jenny when she needs to vent after I have done something particularly ‘man-ish’. I'm pretty close to perfect but I don't always get it right and I know Jenny appreciates your help!

Would you please all stand, raise your glasses, & join me in our second toast to Maid of Honour and the Bridesmaids. TO THE MAID OF HONOUR AND THE BRIDESMAIDS.

MALE WEDDING PARTY

Now I want to mention my men (although with some that may be a questionable description!) in particular 3 very sharply dressed individuals sat in this room and always on my side – John, please take note.

To my ushers Harry and Sam it is no secret that we love you both and that we are very proud of who you have become and your accomplishments to date. Thank you for being part of today and don't forget us when you are in the movies and playing NFL for the Chargers!

To my best man John, who accepted the honour after 27 of you turned me down. John has been a great friend for coming up to 40 years – but that may be ending after his speech.

It wouldn't have been the same without you all here with me today, so would you please all stand, raise your glasses, to these three great guys & join me in our third toast to the ushers and the best man. THE USHERS AND THE BEST MAN.

PARENTS

I will always be grateful to Douglas and Irene for what a fantastically funny, strong and intelligent daughter they raised and given me the chance to marry. I didn't have the opportunity to meet Douglas and Irene properly but I have a theory that you can generally get a good indication of the character of the parents from their children. Apart from Neil supporting Chelsea (thanks for Wednesday's 2 – 0 Spurs victory, Neil) Jenny and Neil are both fantastic people and this tells me that so were Douglas and Irene.

I would also like to thank my Mum and Dad for their help and support over the years. I am completely aware that I have not been a model son and have disappointed you a few times over the years although I also hope that I have made you proud in some ways too. For your first effort, you raised me, so thanks for putting up with me and supporting me through both good times and difficult times and being here today to support myself and Jenny. You should both be proud that you raised an intelligent, witty, dashing and handsome son, Jeremy, where are you?

Will you please stand and raise a glass to both sets of parents – To Douglas and Irene and Bob and Janice.
TO DOUGLAS AND IRENE AND BOB AND JAN.

JENNY

Jenny, my wife – When you walked into the church this afternoon your beauty took my breath away. You look absolutely stunning today and I really am the luckiest man in the world.

What can I say that I haven't said to most of you about Jenny anyway? We are a perfect match for each other, she is great at giving orders, and I'm great at following them. Think Lady Penelope and Parker from Thunderbirds.

But seriously, not only today, but the last six years, (lean down as if Jenny has said something) sorry, seven years! have been so wonderful that I have to pinch myself to realise that this woman next to me is actually with me, let alone now married to me, and how fantastic my life has been since we have been together. Watching Jenny walk up that aisle today made me realise just how lucky I am, I looked at myself, and realized it was definitely me getting the best part of this deal. You always bring the best out of me, you understand me like no-one else and you are always fighting my corner.

Jenny is also one of those very rare people that are incredibly difficult, if not near impossible to find. She possesses an inner tranquillity and generosity of nature that I imagine must be unique and an innocent and gentle approach to life and the world in general. Having a sense of security in life and a haven to escape from the world at times is very important to me and Jenny creates this and supports me in everything unquestionably (lean down as if Jenny has said something) well, almost unquestionably!

I still haven't worked out quite why she agreed to marry me, but every day I wake up happy that she chose me, and I am really looking forward to the rest of my life next to this amazing lady, thank you Jenny, I love you in so many ways, and for so many reasons.

So I would like you to all join me in a toast to my best friend, and beautiful wife. TO JENNY.

JOHN

They say being the best man is like snogging the Queen… it's an honour but nobody really wants to do it.

In a serious vein I am so fortunate to have John as my best man. He has been absolutely fantastic from the first time I mentioned I was thinking of popping the question, to enjoying my stag do, to sorting the men out with a celebratory Chinese takeaway last night and cooking lunch for all of you tomorrow!!

However, I have to get a shot in at John before I let him loose on you all. John was invaluable in helping to organise my stag do, which I'm told I enjoyed very much! John was also spectacularly successful at parking his go-kart at the apex of the corners and getting t-boned.

I must also say that John looks particularly smart in his suit and is especially enjoying wearing his trousers as Tracey generally wears them when they're at home. I am also happy to confirm that there is very little truth in the rumours of his plastic surgery. 

It is worth mentioning that John actually lives in a parallel universe which causes him to invent fanciful stories. He really does believe these stories to be true and we thank you for humouring him during his speech! Please be gentle with him as he shortly has to leave to go back to his carers.

Now before I hand over to John you should be aware that I have on my phone video footage of John singing in to a pepper grinder Spandau Ballet songs whilst dancing wearing bunny ears. Depending on the contents of John's speech it may later be found on you tube entitled Nigel's Revenge. 

So, without further delay, my best man, John.