Speech by Peter Baker

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Peter Baker
Speech Date: Jul2005
(Pick up large pile of papers) Don't worry this is not my speech – it's Leanne's list of things I can and can't do now that we are married!

First of all thanks Martin for those kind words and I hope £20 was enough but if not I will give you the rest out of that fifty you gave me for marrying your daughter.

Distinguished guests, guests of no particular distinction, relatives young and old, friends, freeloaders, hangers on, gypsies, tramps and thieves and anyone else who may have wandered in for a free meal, you are about to witness a unique event in history. This is the very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. So on behalf of me and my wife, or as I now like to call her “my most recent ex-girlfriend” welcome to our wedding and I hope you are all enjoying yourselves on our special day. It's great to see you all and I can honestly say that it would not have been the same without you. It would have been a lot cheaper without you but that's beside the point.

I'm not very good at speeches and as you all know I am an extremely shy lad so I'll try to keep to less than half an hour..… but, just in case, the exit is there and you will find a pillow under your seat if it drags on. I did have a great speech that I prepared myself but now I'm a married man Leanne has told me what I am going to say!

I've been very nervous today. I'll not go into to much detail but this isn't the first time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand and the church toilet – not blocked when I went in but blocked when I came out!

A lot of you will know how I met Leanne. But for those of you who don't, she was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met her. Well, it was a restaurant really but that wouldn't have sounded as catchy.

To make her mine I used my charm, whit, good looks and physique (yes that's right I said physique) and it only took a year. Not bad going. I got together with her on my 19th Birthday in good old Annabel's in Sunderland. Picture the scene. I'm drunk, Leanne's drunk, friends are drunk. 70’s disco music in the background but unable to dance due to the extremely sticky floor and can't get moved for all the underage charvers with their Alco pops.

I'm working my magic thinking what chat up line do I use. Do I go for the modest ones such as “I KNOW I'M NOT FRED FLINSTONE BUT I CAN MAKE YOUR BEDROCK” or do I go for a corny one such as “YOUR DAD MUST BE A THIEF, COS HE STOLE THE STARS FROM HEAVEN AND PUT THEM IN YOUR EYES”. The answer is neither. I decided to use my very own, a one I thought of on the spot. A one that would touch her very heart and soul. So I plucked up the courage, took hold of her hand and said “SO DO I GET ME BIRTHDAY KISS THEN OR WHAT?”.

I've had the Mick taken out of me for that ever since but all I can say is. WORKED LIKE A CHARM!

Tradition states that I now tell you a funny story about Leanne however she states I do no such thing, but I will say that we've been living together now for nearly 3 years and in that time I've learnt a very valuable lesson:

Whenever you're wrong – admit it!

Whenever your right – keep quiet!

I'd like to thank both our parents for all the help they have given us and everything they have paid for, for the wedding. (GIVE FLOWERS).

As you can expect weddings cost a bit. There is a lot to buy for a wedding including the rings. Leanne has the engagement ring, we both have a wedding ring but now we are married I'll definitely have the suffering.

I wanted to get married today in my police uniform but I thought people would think I was either a stripper or in fancy dress cos no-one believes in 15 year old looking cops. There is an unwritten rule at weddings that no-one should look nearly as beautiful as the bride nor as handsome as the groom. I am pleased to say that I have had no competition from the ushers or the best man.

On that note can I say thanks to Mic and Scott for their great job today and to Matt for turning up on time. We have known each other for a long time and he has proven to be a good friend but that could all change in a few minutes when he starts speaking and let me say that all the good bits he says are true and all the bad bits are, well, probably true as well!

I'd also like to thank John for providing his mercedes for the bridesmaids and can I thank the bridesmaids for the job they have done today and I think you will all agree they look lovely.

Thanks to Leanne's Auntie Linda for being the official babysitter for today and tonight and we thought we would show our appreciation. (GIVE FLOWERS).

Both Leanne and I would like to thank all of you for coming today and we know that many of you have travelled a log way to be here so hope you al really enjoy the day. Thanks for all your presents and cards which are very much appreciated.

I'd like to thank Leanne's mam and dad for bringing up such a beautiful and intelligent daughter……but that's enough about Vicky. Seriously though over the years you two have given me some lovely gifts, birthday presents, Christmas presents but the gift of your daughter Leanne is one I will cherish forever. She looks absolutely stunning today which I am sure you will agree. Leanne always dresses to kill, it's just unfortunate that she cooks the same way.

They say you don't marry the person you can live with, you marry the person you can't live without and that is what I have done today. Before today I asked Carol how Leanne looked in her wedding dress and she said she looked wonderful and almost cried but that didn't prepare me enough for when I saw her walk down the aisle. She looked absolutely beautiful.

Many people have told me how lucky I am to be marrying Leanne, including Leanne. Leanne, thanks for everything you have done including giving me a beautiful son and all the time you have put up with me. You know everything about me and all my faults but still said “I do”. I feel like the luckiest man on earth today to be the one to marry you and I hope this is the start many happily married years to together and look forward to a wonderful married life. (GIVE SINGLE RED ROSE)

I'd like to raise a toast to my beautiful and wonderful wife Leanne – My Bride and Joy (RAISE GLASS).

And last but not least I'd like to say happy birthday to two people who unfortunately due to other commitments could not be with us today. So Happy Birthday Sir Paul McCartney and Isabella Rossellini.

Thank you.