Speech by Peter John Burgess

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Peter John Burgess
Speech Date: Jul2005
Someone once said that a good speech has both a good beginning and a good ending. A great speech however keeps both of these very close together. With this in mind I promise to keep it brief.

I was going to start my speech with a traditional “Ladies and Gentlemen”, but on looking around the room, I'm pleased I didn't.

Distinguished guests, those of lesser distinction, and those of no distinction at all, family, relatives, new and old (tap mum on shoulder at this point), in-laws and outlaws, friends, friends of friends, and freeloaders
Welcome to our wedding reception.

My wife and I..… I guess I'm going to have to get used to that! My wife and I would like to thank you all for coming to share our big day with us. We appreciate the effort you've made for us and know you've all travelled a great distance. It's surprising the lengths some people will go to for a free meal. Today would have been a completely different affair without you, a lot cheaper, but definitely different.

Most couples on their wedding day describe it as the happiest day of their lives. That worries me somewhat as it implies that as from tomorrow there's a lifelong decline ahead, so believe you me, I am going to be making the most of today!

(Take a drink) Cheers!

When thinking about what to put into my speech, I looked around at a variety of sources, but I always ended up back at the big man. The true light. My guiding spirit. The one who has a following of millions. Homer Simpson!

When asked about what marriage is like he responded: “Marriage is like being married to your best friend.” “And he lets you play with his boobs.” I thought that was great.

Apparently, I am supposed to say a lot of soppy stuff, which really isn't me, but I'll do my best.

It has to be said that Julie has been rather more involved than I have in planning today, although to be fair I did arrange the car, and I would like to congratulate her on a job well done.

I'm sure you'll all agree that she looks absolutely stunning today and I am so proud of her. (to Julie) You know everything about me and you still agreed to be my wife and spend the rest of your life with me. Thank you for making me so happy. I really feel like I will come out best from today and feel like the luckiest person alive. Who would have thought you would end up marrying me, especially since your first ever words to me were “I only want to talk”. I often wonder what would have happened if you had wanted to do more than just talk! And your response to my marriage proposal 18 months ago was “Oh you bastard!”…

It's funny how history repeats itself – 34 years ago. Sorry darling, 21 years ago plus VAT, Julie's parents were putting her to be with a dummy, and now it's happening all over again!

Speaking of history – it was today in 1966 that England won the world cup at Wembley. Let's hope today's celebrations are just as much fun!

I'd like to thank my Mum & Dad for at least attempting to bring me up right and for the sacrifices both of them have made. (to mum and dad) Thank you for pointing me in the right direction, and being there to pick up the pieces when I chose to go in the complete opposite direction. Julie said “I do” earlier on today, so you can't have done a half bad job.

To my new Mum & Dad, I'd like to thank you for accepting me so willingly into your family. I am proud to be described as your son-in-law. I will do all I can to make you proud and to keep your daughter safe and happy. I'll sign that receipt later too.
(best man hands me printed receipt)
It says: Received one daughter in perfect condition. Fully guaranteed, fully warranted. Comes complete with all the extras. Keep topped up with expensive bags and mobile phones and lubricate well with fine wines, red if possible.

Warning: Has a tendency to get irritable if doesn't get the final say on everything.
Care notes: Gets bored easily so keep busy with a constant supply of chores.

(pause) Service Regularly. (look confused).
(actually sign receipt and hand to brides parents)

Not to be outdone, Mum has written a receipt for me too. (best man hands over second receipt)

It says: Received one son. (pause) Sold as seen. (turn receipt over a couple of times looking for more).

I would like to thank Maggie for making such a great cake, I'm looking forward to tucking into that later, and I'm also looking forward to slicing up the top tier. (turn to Julie and wink, if she doesn't acknowledge, continue with..) think about it, you'll get there.

Thank you to Kev for agreeing to be our DJ. And thank you to Bev for allowing him to. We know who the boss is. No pressure Kev – Myself, Shaun and Lee are all DJs, and Bob is an ex DJ, so we'll all be watching you closely.

Thank you to Chris for writing and presenting a great reading at the ceremony. It was the first time we had heard it and we appreciate the effort you went to. Thank you.

Thank you to Matt for agreeing to be my best man. I can appreciate how tough a job it is. I'm in the unique position with you of having to make my defence before I've heard the case for the prosecution. Suffice to say that anything good he says is all true, and anything bad is a complete lie!

Finally, no wedding would be complete without bridesmaids. Marie and Gabby, the little princess. I'm sure you'll agree they scrub up ok! I would like to thank them for doing such a great job of taking care of Julie today. I'll take it from here! (wink and put hand on Julie's shoulder)

And so, in true tradition, can you all be upstanding please and share in a toast to….… The bridesmaids.

And we have some small gifts for all the people who have helped make today so special
Mum – flowers
Ann – flowers
Ron – drink
Chris – drink
Marie – box
Gabby – bag + box
Matt – box.

(Matt joins me)

Before I finally sit down, my brother and I were going to say that there is a very special person who couldn't be with us today. But on reflection that isn't entirely true. He will always be with us. Can I ask you all to be upstanding once more please as we propose a toast..… quite simply. Budgie.