Speech by Philip Edwards

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Philip Edwards
Speech Date: 23/07/2013 22:17:35

Welcome. Ladies and gentlemen, squires, bagmen, foremen, fools, musicians, headmaster and all my assorted mistresses, thank you all for coming today. I hope you all enjoyed this afternoon's most unique ceremony. A huge thanks to members of Full Moon Morris, Cardiff Ladies Morris, Clocs Canton North West Morris and elements of Heb Enw Border Morris.  I hope you all enjoy the rest of the day. I hope you will all take away with you many pleasant memories to share with your own friends and family over the coming years.

Thank the bride. Indeed, the perfect woman. As we all sang earlier, She will prove his comfort night and day….and I sincerely hope that I'll prove to be a comfort to her as well. I knew that I had something special in Lynda when shortly after I moved to Church Village, my sewer blocked. That very evening, she came around, got out of the car, took something from the boot of the car, then CRASH…..as a set of sewer rods landed besides me. She then vanished inside, re-appearing a few minutes later dressed in a boiler suit, wellies and large rubber gloves. In no time at all, my sewer was unblocked. I quickly learned that she is also a whizz at gas boilers, garden water features and jars with tight lids. Now, another thing that you might not know about her is that she is a real wildlife fanatic. Often, when we are out for a weekend walk, we might stop for a tea or coffee. Towards the end of our visit, you will often see Lynda surreptitiously place half a scone, or a crust into her handbag. This is not because of an eating disorder. It's because she knows that we'll be passing a duck pond on the way back. Now, last year, whilst on holiday in Crete, this aspect of her life absolutely amazed me. Near our hotel, there was a small bridge that we had to walk over to get into town. Now even though it was a small bridge, it was very high. There were always a pair of geese sitting about 50 yards away from the bridge with a drop of about 70 yards. I believe that I'm describing what they would call in golf, a par 4 with a slight dogleg to the left. Well, there we were one evening, walking home, crossing the bridge when Lynda took half a crusty cob from her handbag, took careful aim, pulled her arm right back then let go, using all the force that she had used a year earlier on my blocked sewer.  Believe me, the last time I'd seen an arm move like that, it was attached to Fatima Whitbread. Picture the scene as the cob flew gracefully on…..and on….and on…..then hit the left hand goose square on the head.   Once again, thanks Lynda for agreeing to be my wife….and I'm sure that everybody here today will be thanking you too…because so many of the plans for this special day have come straight from her. I'm just in charge of the music.

Now, it's traditional at this point for the groom to thank the bride's mother. Thankfully, she made it to our ceremony but felt that it would be best if she returned to hospital afterwards.  Had she been here, I would have thanked her for raising five wonderful children, for filling their hearts with love and for creating a family that always looks out for each other. They could so easily have been a little hostile to me, but they didn't. Instead, they opened their hearts to me and accepted me as one of the family. I'm truly grateful to every single one of you.

Flowers. Thanks to Felicity for the floral arrangements. For those not in with the understanding of the way of the Morris, the Blue Hydrangeas were picked because one of our favourite tunes is called, The Blue Eyed Stranger….also known as The Blue Eyed Strangler.

Thanks to my brother Barrie ( and Dianne)for being here today. Distance has often kept us apart, but he's always at my side when I need him most. You know, people think we look alike. Often people mistake me for my brother. At a family funeral once, I heard my name berated whilst Barrie was praised to the heights for coming all the way from South Africa whilst that swine Philip couldn't even manage to come from Caerphilly. My old teacher would often call me Barrie. My own mother often got it wrong. My Grandmother nearly always got it wrong. This confusion reached its pinnacle this afternoon when I swear that I overheard somebody at the back whisper, “Who's that smart piece down the front that Barrie is getting married to?

Thanks to my cousins Chris and Sandra, and Barbara for making it here. When there are so few of my family left, believe me, every one of them counts…..and besides, it permits me to boast that my first date turned up at my wedding. Here's another boast…..and I doubt that many grooms can make this boast. I'd like to thank Carole, my ex-mother in law for making the trip up from Cornwall. Eli for being here at my side today and for the best piece of advice that I've ever received when she said, “dad, follow your heart.” 

Bridesmaids. Ceri and Stephanie. and the man who gave the bride away, young Ian. It is difficult for any man in my position when they first are introduced to their new partner's children. Myself, I realised a while back, that maybe they were starting to accept me. The signs became apparent when I noticed them start to do the things that children normally do…..like borrow your tools, hide your phone charger and steal your breakfast cereal. So, you three know this. I'll never be able to replace your dad….but given half the chance, I'll be a really great friend.

Musicians and dancers. Huge thanks to John and Danni, and Micky for the piping. For those of you who didn't recognise the tune, it was a traditional Welsh dance tune called, “Ty Coch Caerdydd,” in honour of the place where we call home. Morwen . It takes real strength of character to stand on your own and sing like that. Thank you very much for learning that song at my request and thanks to everybody who took the time to learn the responses. Later today you'll be hearing them again and you'll be hearing more of our musical friends joining in an informal session to end the evening.

Best man. Well, what can I say. He really has given me so much support as I've gone through massive changes in my life. You've done an amazing job here today. Well done. You know, it really does feel that it was just yesterday that he was a baby in my arms. I can remember feeling so proud of him in the maternity ward. I can remember comparing him with the others in the ward and thinking, “mine is better than yours”. Sadly though, it didn't last and when he was just two weeks old, he developed a strange imperfection. He'd developed a huge boil on his bum. It was so big that he had to be admitted to hospital. You know, I can clearly remember him lying on the hospital trolley as all the doctors and nurses examined his huge boil. Eventually, a large African doctor came in with a massive needle to lance the boil. It reminded me of a scene from my favourite film of all time, “Zulu”.Poor tiny Richard, screaming and nothing I could do to help…..but I made a vow that day….a solemn vow and I said to Richard as he lay there, just two weeks old, screaming on the hospital trolley. “Richard,” I said, “I promise you from the bottom of my heart that I will never ever mention this at your wedding.” And I fully intend to keep that promise.

Other thanks

Lisa for the bunting and also a huge thanks to the children and staff of Cwmaber Junior School who helped her make it. It's great to know that there's a little part of them here supporting us today. I'll check their spelling later. Guy and Sarah for the cake. I honestly never thought that they would ever better my divorce cake, but I'm sure that you'll all agree that once again, they have come up trumps.

Cwmaber staff for counseling. Thanks for Mrs. Thomas the greatest Welshcake maker in the whole of Wales and thanks for all of the advice that you have given me over the years. Thanks also to the Cwmaber ladies who over the years have helped me in so many ways. Believe me, they really really enjoyed following the way my life developed over the last few years. One day, shortly after our courtship had started, Wales had been involved in an international. Upon my return to school, I was asked, “Well, what did you think of the game?” I replied, “I didn't see it.” A gasp filled the air then a stony silence fell about the staffroom. Eventually somebody said, “Well, that begs the question,  what were you doing on Saturday afternoon then?” 

Just two more people I'd like to mention. Mark Knott from Bideford Pheonix and Full Moon Morris. Shortly after I started playing for Cardiff Morris he invited me to play for Cardiff Ladies Morris. I replied, “Oh, I don't know what my wife would think of that.” Don't worry, “ he said, “They aren't those sort of ladies”. And finally, the last person I'd like to thank couldn't make it today, although, if you look up in the bunting, you might see the image of Taff Price, one of Full Moon Morris’ finest. Many people believe that our lives are mapped out for us and we simply follow the path that fate decrees. But as we follow this path from time to time we come to forks in the road. Thus it was that one day, as I sat playing my melodeon in a forest park, a tall man with grey hair, beard and a scruffy black dog approached me and said the immortal words, “You're rather good. Have you ever considered playing for a Morris side.” And so it was that my life took a turn for the good and the rest as they say…..is history. You should also know that that was the first and the last time that any Morris man has  complemented me on my playing.

Thank you all, now on with the rest of the party, but before we do, can I please ask you to be upstanding, share this moment with me, the luckiest man in the world and toast my wonderful bride with the words of my very favourite song.

Drink, drink, let the toast start,

May true love never part,

Drink, drink, drink,

Let every true lover salute his sweet heart.