Speech by Rob Corpe

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Rob Corpe
Speech Date: Aug2005
Ladies and Gentleman…..and of course looking around I use the term somewhat reluctantly….Sit back….relax and make yourself comfortable…..if need be….loosen some clothing….but Please do ensure that it's your own…its not that sort of party..…

Distinguished Guests, those of dubious distinction and those of no distinction, family, relatives, friends, relatives of friends, friends of friends, freeloaders, kitchen staff and anyone who might have sneaked in without me knowing…….welcome to our Wedding

Rest Assured that it is not my intention to bombard you with a list of stale jokes…..I'll leave that to the best man…..if however you do feel it appropriate to laugh….then please do so and please keep it going till the very end….according to Jo I do have a particularly weak finish….…

My wife and I……..would like to thank you all for sharing our special day with us and for all the monstrous…..sorry I mean wondrous presents you've bought us. I can't tell you how much they mean to us…..Jo hasn't worked it out yet………

Thank you to everyone who has travelled from afar. From up North and Down South and generally all over. We're delighted that you're here to share our Day with us and to help make it so special.

Thank you for your kind words Stan. (Its really quite amazing what Stan's prepared to say for half a bottle of blue nun and a free meal.) Stan's a big footie fan and a supporter of Tottenham…….personally I've never quite seen the connection…..he's also a very good electrician. As his wife often says, “there isn't much he cant do with a piece of electrical flex.

Stan… Jo was delighted that you agreed to give her away and both myself and Jo have been bowled over by your enthusiasm and support in the run up to the wedding and during today. Thank you for helping to make this a special day for us.

Thanks as well to Jo's family and in particular to her sisters. You're a very important part of her life – much to the delight of British Telecom and to the demise of my wallet, there isn't a day goes by when she doesn't speak to all of you. Thanks for the support you give her and thank you for being so welcoming to me. You're a great bunch and by great of course I mean massive….i still have to count out the number of sisters on my fingers. Fortunately for me it means lots of roast dinners and lots of boozing.

Thanks in Particular to Cathy for the help you have given Jo with her preparations. Thank you for our beautiful cake and for helping Jo to choose her dress.
Despite working for Burtons Cathy, my faith in your taste is now restored……Jo looks out of this world.

I'd also like to thank Jo's parents without whom I'd not be here today. I'd like to thank them for such a wonderful Daughter. I never had the opportunity to meet them but hopefully they would have approved of me.

To my family as well my thanks go to you. To Heather (My Sister) and to Callam, Ross, Struan and Lewis, thank you for travelling down from Scotland to share the day with us. Thank you as well to my step family for being here and for making your respective journeys from Devon and south of the M25.

To Mum and Brian thank you for your support with our plans and thank you for the love and support you have shown both Jo and Charli. Your help with the wedding has been invaluable….your generosity amazing and very much appreciated. Mum thank you for your lovely reading. I love you very much and I thank you for making me who I am.

I'd like to thank my father as well. Never one to miss a good knees up he would have loved today and I know he would have loved Jo and Charli………

so Cathy if you could step up to join us………

GIVE GIFT TO MUM AND CATHY.

Charli….… What a tremendous Bridesmaid…..you've done a magnificent job. From now on I shall be using you……every time I get married.

When I first met Charli she was 13 years old….here she is now…..a 17 year old stunner….… while I move ever nearer to being a 17 stone gurner.

Charli…..thank you for supporting your mum today and in the run up to the wedding.… You look fabulous…… I am very proud to be your step father and equally chuffed that you thought of me when you embarked on your career as a trainee hair stylist……On a serious note…..if you ever need any advice, help or support give me a shout…….on a more serious note…..if you ever need any cash..… give your mum a shout.

GIVE GIFT TO CHARLI

A big thank you to my ushers.

Thank you for lending a certain night club respectability to the whole occasion and thank you for searching the ladies handbags at the church with such subtlety and discretion.

For me a wedding is just not complete without ushers….for two main reasons:

Firstly…..It means I'm not the only who has to wear a silly suit

Secondly.… I get to publicly recognise and thank some of my closest friends……..so if Rob, Jeff, Stuey, Gav and Dave could step this way please….…

GIVE GIFT TO USHERS

Now at this point Tradition dictates that I tell you an amusing story or two about Jo:
…….unfortunately Jo dictates that I do no such thing……so instead I have decided to tell you how we met..…

Imagine this…..your first day in a new office and a stunningly attractive girl says to you:

“Would you like a drink?”

“Yes” I reply “could I have a coffee please.”

“Yes” she replies “but don't expect this every day!”………hmmmmm….she seems nice!!!!

Now moving on in time…….Jo and I had a mutual friend in the office called Rachael. She was Australian..… but apart from that a very nice girl. One day she said to me “Rob do you have a girlfriend” I said not at the moment. “Right she said, I'm going to fix you up.”

That same day, she came back to me and said “would you go out with Jo?” Understanding of course that any long term relationship could potentially mean no daily beverages, I thought about it for about a second and then replied.… “yeah why not” (Yippee I thought, I'm going out with the best looking girl in the office)

The date was set, a bar in Selfridges…..An appropriate venue in light of Jo's passion for shopping.

That day I travelled to Manchester for a meeting. In the morning I scrubbed my crevices and put on my best suit, understanding that I would not be able to get home and change before the agreed rendezvous…..as I like to say “Ding Dong……bring it on!”

To prove the point that opposites attract….I arrived half an hour early…..Jo arrived half an hour late!!! By that time the rabid effect of my after shave had worn off and I had attracted all the wrong sort of attention from nearby drinkers.

But it was worth the wait…..we had a great night……and apart from phone call interruptions every 15 minutes from a certain young lady sat not too far from here …Jo did not stop…sorry we did not stop talking all night. That was on the 27th September 2000 (4 years and 75 days – or 1535 days ago – you get less time for embezzlement!!)

On the 5th March of this year I proposed to Jo. Jo doesn't like a lot of public fuss…..hence today's small affair.… so I thought I would play to my strengths and cook her one of my famous meals….Charli prepared the table, before I ushered her out the door and the scene was set. Soft lights, romantic music and me in my luminous yellow spandex posing pouch.

In the run up to the night I had tempted Jo with a series of rhymes tantalising her with what was to come. I wont embarrass myself by reading them out but here's one for good measure……

“Back in March I proposed to Jo
She said yes and did not hesitate for a mo
Now we are wed and joined together
Happy now for ever and ever”

Move over Pam Ayres!!..…

Jo……

You are fantastic.
You are lovely
You make me laugh.
You are more caring and kinder than anyone I know
You are a fantastic cook, a very hard worker
and you are stunning.

Thank you for being my wife….…

I love you very dearly and will do forever……and I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

KISS JO

On a final note before I move onto insulting my best man….just consider this..…

Jo Cooks…..I eat
Jo Talks……I listen
I mess up ……Jo tidies up.…
Jo shops……I Pay
I wear my underpants……Jo Irons them

What a perfect couple……….…

And now to the best man IAN..… and of course I use the terms “best” and indeed “man” in the loosest possible sense.

Underneath that ill fitting suit and cheap after shave lies a good drinking buddy.

A man who's never happier than when he's propping up a free bar or adding to his extensive wardrobe with Oxfam purchases….the contents of which can be widely seen in various repeats of the Onedion line.

In all the years I've known him no one has ever questioned his generosity or his intelligence….unfortunately…they have not been mentioned either.

I first met Ian when I joined an amateur dramatics group called the Acorn Players. They were a bit like Victoria Woods Acorn Antiques only worse. We were doing Alice in Wonderland. I was in a White Rabbit costume and Ian as I recall was wearing a pair of tights. As I discovered he wasn't actually in the play…he was just wearing a pair of tights which I found most bizarre but there we go…..… From that moment on we hit it off (Nothing to do with the tights you understand) and we have been great friends ever since. (Or at least we were!!)

Thanks for being my best man Ian and thanks for being my best mate. Thank you for all your help and support. You have been and are a great friend to both myself and Jo. We look forward to continuing that friendship over the years to come.

GIVE GIFT TO IAN

Well Ladies and gentlemen…..that's my lot…..I have bored you for long enough….so please before the best man bombards you with a tissue of lies be upstanding as we raise our glasses…..to the bridesmaid.