Speech by Tim

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Tim
Speech Date: 12/06/2012 03:12:53

Thanks Tom for your speech and the work you are doing today.

Family and friends, my wife and I would like to thank you all for joining us today to celebrate the start of a new phase in our relationship.

I know that the first thing on everyone's mind is ‘how long is this speech going to be ?’ so I've taken the liberty of timing this one at 3 minutes and 45 seconds including snack and toilet breaks so that those of you with little ones, um, children, can plan accordingly.

As some of you are aware I usually research anything I am unfamiliar with, this speech is no exception so I've taken the holistic approach, visited lazy-bugger-groom-speech-generator.com online and downloaded a wedding groom speech template. This means that I just have to fill in the blanks instead of having to display the usual speech pre-requisites of wit, charm, humour and intelligence.

Firstly I would like to thank our Wedding Ceremony Operational Management Team Marj and Tom for their hard work, organizational skills, and the use of their beautiful house and garden for our ceremony.

This event simply wouldn't have happened without their assistance and input. Tom is going to be a superb son-in-law and I look forward to being addressed as ‘Dad’ by both of them from now on.

Marj in particular has been a real brick and done a fantastic job under sometimes difficult circumstances.

I believe that their son Steven was also instrumental in his usual consulting capacity.

I'd like to introduce and acknowledge our Wedding Prose Recitation Specialist, Debbie Mains and our Wedding Entertainment And Pre-eminent Orchestrating Nipper Robert Mains for their assistance today.

Thanks go to Mum and the extended family for bringing me up proper, obviously I picked up all of my bad habits once I'd finally left home. I love you Mum and I'm pleased to be able to share with you one of the two happiest days of my life.

This leads us to my next subject, our daughter, Jennifer. We could not have hoped to share our lives with a more beautiful child. Thank you Jen for reading that poem so well, Mummy and Daddy are very proud of you and we love you so very much. On the day she was born I posted photos on the company website with the tagline: “To Mary and Tim a daughter, 3.25 kg, mother and daughter doing well, father in love with two women.”

There are a couple of people who we wish were here with us today and they are never far from our thoughts.

Mary and I have been together now for 12 years, we met through work – eventually she became my boss – and because we became very good friends before we got together we have managed to have more ups than downs.

One of the major reasons we finally decided to marry was the nagging from Jennifer to be a flower girl like Barbie's sisters in her videos. If we waited much longer she would have had to be a bridesmaid and not a flower girl.

I would like to thank my three new sons, three new daughters-in-law and all my new grandchildren for accepting me into their families and into their lives. I'm sure that none of them would ever have been gauche enough to have voiced the opinion that everyone knows I've made my way in my chosen profession by the simple expedient of sleeping my way to the top.

Lastly I would like to say how stunning my wife looks, she is one of the most beautiful people I know, and I count myself fortunate that she forgave me a major gaff I made the first time we had a sleepover.

On that occasion when I woke I used a variation on the three words I believe every woman loves to hear from their potential life partner – replacing the ‘I love’ part of ‘I love you’ with ‘who are’.

Although the template said I should, I won't thank my wife for marrying me because to do so would be to acknowledge the paradox whereby I am attracted to women brighter than me, yet someone who would want to go through with this is obviously of the same wattage as myself.

So, to conclude, could I ask you all please to raise your glasses to my beautiful wife, the one I love, [Wife's name], er, Mary.