Speech by Tom Paine

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Tom Paine
Speech Date: Jul2007
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, on behalf of my new wife and I, thanks to all of you for coming and sharing today with us. I know that some of you have travelled a long way to be here, and I hope that you have as good a time as I am sure that Katie and I are going to. Thanks also for the generous gifts that you have all contributed, I can't tell you how much they mean to us. Of course, after I've been to the car boot sale tomorrow morning I'll have a considerably better idea.

As you know, this is a very special day for me and Katie, an occasion we have both been looking forward to for a very long time: the release of the final Harry Potter book. Now, I doubt that you've all had a chance to read it yet, but fortunately I went to Waterstones at midnight last night, and sat up till 10 this morning reading it. I don't particularly want to spoil it for you all, but let me just say: at the very end, when Harry wakes up and realises it was all a dream, now come on Rowling, that's just writing by numbers.

Anyway, I trust that you all feel suitably fed and watered, and are looking forward to a night of frivolity, embarrassing photos and bad dancing. I know I am.

But before all that I have a short list of people to thank individually for their kind contributions. We have got gifts for all of you but we'll give them out a little bit later.

Firstly, I'd like to say thanks to Scott for his kind words. It's not every day that you get a new brother but I couldn't hope for a more genuine bloke than him.

Pete, thankyou for giving me Katie's hand in marriage today, I know it meant a great deal to her to have you walk her down the aisle. I remember on the night of your wedding to Beryl you took me to one side and said – not too menacingly – “look after her”. I can promise you that I will do everything I can to make her happy and be a good husband.

Thanks to Dave and Lorna, not only for everything that they have given us in the run up to today, but also for making me feel like one of the family whenever we visit Tickhill. Now, I am one of the family, so I've brought a load of dirty washing that has got your names written all over it. Really though, Katie and I have had some fantastic times with you up there, and we both look forward to many more.

Thanks to my Mum and Dad on so many counts. For their generous contributions in helping make today the success it is, for welcoming Katie into the Paine family unit, and more than anything else for putting up with my behaviour over the long, long years. Thanks for every last thing that you have done for me, and Katie you've always been there when I've needed something, and I can't count the number of times you've gone out of your way to help us out, so, thanks. In return, we'd like to give you a surprise present – a little grand child – only joking…I'm a jaffa.

Thanks to my Grandma, Joan, and to Katie's Nana Elsie for their kind support. Sadly, Elsie can't be here today as it's quite a trek for a 92 year old, but she is in both of our hearts as I am sure we are in hers.

Thanks to Joe, my brother and best man. As many of you know, Joe now runs his own pub in Horsham. Unfortunately, after Right Said Fred split up he suddenly stopped getting bookings as a look a like, so naturally he had to turn his hand to something different. I only mention this as Joe works extremely long hours, but he still found the time to organise an excellent stag do for me, and whilst I embarrassed myself considerably less than some of my friends and colleagues, I think we all had an outstanding time, so thanks for that.

Next I would like to thank our three bridesmaids. Alison, thanks for being Katie's best friend and for supporting us so loyally over the years. Thanks also to Jenny and Helen, for helping Alison organise Katie's hen party, and to all three of you for helping her today, and for looking so beautiful.

Finally I'd like to come on to the real star of the show: the Torville to my Dean, the Ginger to my Fred, and, more appropriately, the Beauty to my Beast.

Katie and I met 8 years ago at York University, where we were both members of the Gilbert &amp Sullivan Society. I'll never forget the first time I set eyes upon her – picture the scene if you will – we were both in a crowded bar, minding our own business, just having our respective nights out. And then our eyes chanced upon eachothers, and I knew things would never be the same again. It was as if time stood still – just for that moment – I couldn't hear the noise from the bar, I couldn't smell the cigarette smoke, I lost my peripheral vision – it was just “Katie”.

Now, that's how I like to imagine I met my wife to be. In reality, I saw her at a seedy party neck a litre of white lightening and chuck the empty bottle over her shoulder – and I thought “I like your style”.

And 8 years on, I still do. In Katie I have been lucky enough to find a best friend, a confidante, a partner, and someone who without a shadow of a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with. We have the same hobbies and interests, we laugh at the same things, and I can honestly say that I'm never happier than when I'm with her. Furthermore, I have never seen her look more beautiful than she does today. I am a lucky bastard.

I wanted to finish with an appropriate quote from one of the shows we've done together, but couldn't find anything just right. However, I did find this quote written by Victor Hugo, who also wrote Les Miserables, which I quite liked. It goes:

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved,
loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves.

Katie, I know I'm not perfect in every single way, but I hope that I'm practically perfect enough to make you happy for the rest of your life.

Ladies and Gentlemen – cheers!