Speech by Kate Watts

Speech Type: Maid of honour/Best woman
Speech Creator: Kate Watts
Speech Date: Aug2005
Ladies and Gentleman, Mr and Mrs Paul Cornell, here we are, 3rd speech lucky! If you could just bear with me for a moment…

(put pink wig on – Sam wore this on the hen night!)

When Sam first asked me to be her brideslave – sorry, sorry bridesmaid.… I was over the moon – as one of my best friends it is a wonderful gift to be able to support her today in her marriage to Paul. However, little did I know at that stage that she would also ask me to do a speech with less than 3 weeks notice!

At which point all of the warm fuzzy feelings I had about my friendship with Sam disappeared, and Paul, Sam, I can assure you that I will be spending the next 8 months thinking of inventive ways to get my own back at my wedding next year!

So, this speech is an opportunity for me to share some thoughts about Sam on behalf of myself, my fellow brideslaves, Nina and Kasia, and all of Sam's friends, in particular those from Loughborough

Now the only guideline I have been given regarding this speech is not to tarnish Sam's angelic reputation. However, Sam and I have been close friends for 13 years now so this stumped me a little as I have so many anecdotes to draw from!!!

BUT where there's a will there's a way!!! So to avoid the use of risqué anecdotes myself, I enlisted the help of Sam's friends by asking them to describe a scenario that reminded them of their friendship with Sam (pause). At which point two clear themes emerged….alcohol ….and boys!

Now, I don't want to break any rules, but I think that in the interest of watching Sam squirm I can definitely bend a few! So I would like to reveal today that in her intrepid search for Mr Right, Sam has dated…

A cousin of a good friend
a twin
a bar manager (who we were in favour of clearly!)
and the piece de resistance…a man who literally didn't speak for over 6 months!

David and Marja – I am afraid that you unwittingly aided our general misbehaviour at University by donating the contents of your drinks cupboard to our student house when you moved to Australia! So we ditched the cheap lambrusco and diamond white we had consumed until that point and immediately upgraded to the far more sophisticated Amaretto, Gin, Whisky and any other spirit you care to mention

(We had a lot of friends that year!)

And it was Sam who decided the best way to demolish our booty was by playing the drinking game, jacks. We should have seen it coming really, but Sam was awesome at it and unfortunately the rest of us were absolutely dreadful. We weren't helped at all by the fact that we were supposed to choose a “mixer” to go with the alcohol – but as poverty stricken students we couldn't afford tonic, (pause) so the mixers in our case were just more vodka! Needless to say, this heralded many a drunken evening and, how do I put this? Tactical visits to the bathroom on a regular basis for some of us …… (Rhian…ahem!)

In fact Jacks tarnished us to such an extent that the next time it threatened to reappear was at the hen weekend over 10 years later.

Now for those of you that don't know, for Sam's hen celebrations, 20 of us set off for Somerset to stay in a beautiful country house for the weekend for fun, gossip and a murder mystery dinner on the Saturday! This may sound simple enough, but let me tell you, it took some organising – particularly as Sam knew nothing about it until the day! You try getting 20 girls to keep a secret for nearly a year!

We were feeling particularly smug about the fact that Nina had flown into the country from Australia without Sam knowing anything about it, and so you can imagine that we were a little disappointed when Sam walked into the house, saw Nina, screamed and ran back outside!!

Not quite the welcome that Nina was expecting!

That aside I think that we can SAFELY say that the weekend was a success.

Firstly, despite lulling Sam into a false sense of security we managed to publically humiliate her! Honestly, you'd think we tarred and feathered her, the amount of fuss she was making, but personally Sam I think it could have been a lot worse than this little number (hold up skimpy red fluffy g-string!)

It clearly did the trick as she attracted a rather unattractive middle aged man who was out for the day with his ageing mother, and the unwanted advances of a teenager who was SURE he'd got to “know” her in that classy nightclub, “Da Vinci's”, the Saturday before.

And secondly, I am living proof that Sam is the only person who can make a bright pink wig look any good at all, although she took her murder mystery character, Claudia Shifty, international supermodel, a little too seriously! Paul you really want to watch that attitude!

In the tradition of all things hen, we asked for Paul's help in a Mr and Mrs Quiz. Briefly this entailed Paul answering some questions put together by the bridesmaids and Sam had to guess what his answers were.

If she got it right then she had a present and if she got it wrong then she had to do a creative and somewhat evil forfeit!!! So there was quite a lot at stake.…

One of the questions we asked was how Paul would describe Sam, in one word, to someone that didn't know her (pause). Now given how wonderful Sam is, we thought that this would be an EASY response for a husband to be, setting him up with brownie points for life – perhaps something along the lines of amazing, intelligent, sexy, funny etc etc etc.

But no, only one adjective sprung to mind from the millions available

Expensive!

Fortunately, several questions later, Paul managed to redeem himself. We asked him what the single best thing about Sam was? And he didn't fail to disappoint us, (Pause) and I quote

Sam is unique – she is the perfect blend of beauty, wit and personality

In my experience when people talk about Sam, they always describe her in glowing terms. To demonstrate exactly how important Sam is to everyone who knows her, I also asked her friends to tell me what they thought of her and here is what they said:

Loves her shopping!
Great for a gossip and a girl's night in or out!
Loads of fun!
Loves dry white wine!
Talks a lot!

But they also said that she was

honest, trustworthy, loyal, beautiful, kind, loving, selfless, caring and gorgeous

Personally, my view of our friendship can best be reflected in the words of Sarah Jessica Parker who said, “A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have”

As you can see Sam, we all love you very much, and we are truly privileged to be your friends. So to recognise this, the girls and I have put together a little something for you from all of us, including all of the memories that we have shared and all the pictures of the hen weekend, for you to keep and remind yourself of your life before Paul! (Hand over book that we have put together filled with anecdotes, photos etc etc)

As we all love Sam so much, we were obviously delighted when Paul and Sam finally got their act together one raucous New Year's Eve, and even more thrilled when they announced their engagement last September.

Knowing how Paul had admired Sam from afar for nearly a year before finally winning her round, we all knew that

a) clearly he had impeccable taste,

b) that he could demonstrate the kind of commitment that she deserved. And

c) most importantly, his hair and make-up knowledge is second to none which was always going to get the girls on side!!! (pause)

I am sure that everyone here today will agree with me when I say that you make a wonderful couple, and we could not be happier for you both. You deserve a fabulous married life together with all of the friendship, partnership, love and success in the world.

I believe at this stage it is traditional to offer some pearls of wisdom, but as I am not married yet I have done my research and this is what I have come up with.

PAUL A husbands last words should always be, You're right dear and OK buy it

SAM: It's not the man in your life that counts – it's the life in your man!

Unfortunately while I would love to propose a toast to you both, this honour is reserved for the best man – however I would like to take this opportunity to raise my own personal toast with my heartfelt congratulations, so this is what I would like to say…

As you sit side by side through this roller coaster of life remember to scream from the peaks, hold hands through the dips, laugh through the loop-the-loops and enjoy every twist and turn for the ride is better because you share it together. Separately, you are two special, remarkable people but together you are complete.

So, that's me done, I can go and get very drunk now!

However before I do, it's a tough job but someone has to do it! My official role today is to recognise the ushers and best man for the part that they have played in making today so special.

Ladies, I am sure you will agree that they all look absolutely gorgeous and have been thoroughly charming all day (pause) – if you are single let me know and I will introduce you to the best man later – not only did he get the groom here, on time and sober, but he also did the flowers so he is really quite a catch!

On a more serious note, both Paul and Sam have asked me to express their thanks HANNO, NEIL, GARETH, ROBBIE and especially TASH for their friendships and support today

So Ladies and Gentleman can I ask that you join me in toasting the ushers and best man by raising your glasses and being upstanding

To the Ushers and Best Man