Speech by Kim Nguyen

Speech Type: Maid of honour/Best woman
Speech Creator: Kim Nguyen
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Good evening everyone. I have to admit that I'm a little bit nervous, so to make myself feel better, I'm imagining that you are all naked.

I have to warn that the content of this speech may be offensive to those of you who don't know Cheryl very well, so please accept my apologies.

When Cheryl first asked me to be her maid of honor, the first thought that went through my head was…

– What had I done to be blessed with such an honor?

And then I got suspicious and thought…

– Who had dropped out at the last minute?

– Had all her other friends left the country AND

– Could I say NO and still get invited to the wedding, but more importantly to the reception?

I've been the maid of honor in four weddings now and I've always followed the book of wedding etiquette, which states that the maid of honor should NOT, under ANY circumstances, roast the bride….but I'm going to make an exception to the rule at THIS wedding, besides, it's all the more fun now, because Ernie's already married her and it's too late!

But, before I continue with Cheryl's character assassination, I thought I should talk about Cheryl's life story from the time she was born to present day:

Cheryl was born in 1968, grew up in San Francisco, got a job at Federated, met Ernie, got married. Well that about sums it up. Let's move on to the fun stuff, shall we?

Actually, I'm not going to tell you any embarrassing stories about Cheryl today because (1) I respect her too much (Who put that in there?) (2) we've only got this place until midnight.

Instead, I'd like to share with you a few of the most valuable things I've learned from Cheryl in the 10 years that I've known her.

#1 Etiquette- Anyone who has been around Cheryl for even the shortest period of time can relate to what I'm about say….The first time that I ever heard Cheryl belch, I RAN FOR COVER! Some people (and I use the word "some" loosely), find her incessant belching rather disturbing, including her own mother, but what's even more disturbing to me is that Cheryl doesn't find it even REMOTELY abnormal that her belches have the ability to clear an entire room! Let's just hope she displays some will power tonight.

#2 Things You Should NOT Do at a Softball Game – I think Cheryl sometimes gets her softball games mixed up with her weekly Lambada and River Dancing lessons. Cheryl's "theory" on hitting is based on her belief that the more movement you make while you are batting, the better your chances of getting a good hit. THAT theory has yet to be proven. IF, by chance, she happens to make it to first base by some freak of nature, she has no reservations with yelling out to her team, "Who's your daddy?!". But alas, the most entertaining part of playing softball with Cheryl is listening to her creative excuses as she's walking back to the dugout after she has just struck out once AGAIN like.…

I swear, if that umpire shows up drunk just ONE more time! OR

Well, if it wasn't for me, we'd be first place every year. How boring would THAT be? and my personal favorite…

Ya know, I'm just a RINGER trying NOT to stand out.

#3 Learning to Laugh at Yourself – Cheryl has taught me how to laugh at myself. This would be better translated as Cheryl laughing at me hysterically because she's convinced me to do something to publicly embarrass myself like the time we went to look for the bridesmaid's dresses and she insisted that I try on the most hideous dress she could find in the entire store, if not the entire planet. Not only was this dress hideous, but it was 10 times my normal size. As I walked out from the fitting room wearing the M&M green dress, green because Cheryl thought the color would compliment my yellow skin, I thought, "Kim, you have sunk to an all time low". But, if wearing the dress wasn't torture enough, for her added amusement, Cheryl then tells me to put one of the poofy sleeves of the dress, which closely resembled a shower cap, on my head. Having no mind of my own, I did it! Of course timing is everything because as soon as I placed the "shower cap" sleeve on my head, the owner comes upstairs and catches me doing the catwalk with this ridiculous dress on. Cheryl, as always, plays innocence and leaves the store looking like a perfect angel. As I was being escorted out of the store telling the owner that I'd been kicked out of better places than this, all I can remember are the tears streaming down Cheryl's face and her telling the owner as she was shaking her head, "Some people….Such a shame!". But she didn't fool me. I knew these tears were tears of laughter.

#4 The Meaning of Friendship – Cheryl has taught me that friendship, next to watching a Giant's game, slurpees, a fine restaurant that serves onion rings, and Puma shoes, is the most important thing in life. Well, at least I'm up there with the onion rings.

Seriously though, Cheryl is a beautiful person inside and out. I've had the pleasure of being Cheryl's friend for many years and I will always cherish the wonderful times I've spent with her. Cheryl, I want you to know that you're like a sister to me and I love you very much. You've always been there for me and I hope our friendship only flourishes in the years to come. I'm so happy that you've found "your little lamb" Ernie.

I would like to finish by offering some advice for a successful and happy marriage. Always remember to say those 3 important little words…………….."You're right dear"

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, and it now gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Ernie and Cheryl, Mr. and Mrs. Dijamco. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Ernie and Cheryl.